72.

went blading today at Changi. blading seems to be less taxing to me now although the start was kinda wobbly. it was really relaxing thereafter compared to the last time.

SH taught the 2 newbies the kick start for blading, and so do I gave a little tips. had a fall as well, which supposedly i should have set a record of 0 falls. was holding on to R's hand, guiding her for some distances. when i do not know what happened that she got really unstable? perhaps ZX & GF should have a better look at that behind. they had a good laugh on how "romantic" the fall was. x.x

so while i was "oh! she's going to fall!" then while i was trying to grab hold of the other hand of hers, her hands just went over my shirt? so in a mess, we fall and i became the cushion. inevitably her head got knocked into mine as well.

minor injuries sustained. then, i felt this sense of care which probably in my memories, i was laughed. this sense of hurt probably surges at this moment as i recall.

i remember as you may have fall, i gave that care & concern about your well being. yet, i was treated otherwise. yet, i miss holding your hands, blading with this sense of fulfilling fun & laughter from the heart.

..也许你品没有想像中的那么爱我..

all the memories seems so vivid.

"The right person for us is recognized by our souls, not by our mind." - Mars & Venus Starting Over, Soulmates are not perfect.

you were recognized.

there after i went guiding ZD, he was having a difficult time and even ended being pissed with his brother. =.=.. so i went over to guide him, tried to hold him as well but he was really unstable. but at the end, he progressed well with my guidance. and i felt this sense of satisfaction from teaching again. =)

perhaps i've been through how it feels as a beginner and so i know how to relate the feelings & thoughts into guiding people. like ZD was trying really hard and at his best from what i see, yet without realizing or to find out where his problem lies. he was expecting too much from himself, and so he just kept trying. but all he needs to do was to REMEMBER the basics & prepare himself for falls. subsequently, he needs to know the expectations he could reach so as to lower his stress levels and proceed with things step by step.

i recall how i learnt to swim/blade and etc. you need time to be comfortable with yourself. fiddle with the blade with your legs with small movements like how you're trying to make friends with, then you'll gradually realize the technique to it over time.


Expectations VS Dreams.

setting high expectations is a wrong method of living. you should have high standards of goals/aims/objectives/dreams. yet, each expectations of yours must be within your reach to hit your goal. expectations are "what's the next step/ possible route which i could take to reach my goals?" expectations consist of different levels. just like games.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

回忆的画面依旧清晰可见
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你

虽然被放弃虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你..

as we walk, i held your hands and say, "remember love". i kissed your hands & you kissed mine.



i hate my mind for having this ability to contain so much & it couldn't stop..

69.

after coming back, it seems kinda a little hectic today. wanted to have an off before i go off again, but i was told to conduct medical training lessons. it's my job while i actually tried to post phoned due to hectic schedules, but have to give some face since people are really nice.

so i gave medical training on impromptu basis for all ranks higher than me. they are the Special Ops Force, ranked from minimal 2nd SGT to Captains. =.= Yet, got to act like some instructor, they sat on the floor, listening to me. LOW confidence! it has been so long since i do some teaching roles. subconsciously, the ranking kinda pressed me a little. however, i managed to do it in a guiding way, with some prompting to make them think a little. afterall, we've got to be a practical.

satisfied with my job! =)

went to A&E today again, this time i saw B. she recognizes me as well. had a short chat. health is really important and nothing else. then we could really appreciate the little things in life. see those people in agony makes me feel.. "i don't wanna be in their shoes!" i guess it's inevitable, but definitely we can try to stay healthy, consistently update ourselves on our medical status before things get worse!

at least, at the end of the day we tried, and if it happens, then we carry on fighting whatever we have to, to live.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

一起长大的约定
那样清晰
打过勾的我相信
说好要一起旅行
是你如今
唯一坚持的任性

一起长大的约定
那样真心
与你聊不完的曾经
而我已经分不清
你是友情
还是错过的爱情

心里仿佛已没了难过
但依然存在着思念
思念的不是你我的 习惯
而是你的微笑 你的可爱..

you shot me.




it seems like it was the 1st time, my heart missed a beat.

then i realise.

it wasn't a dream, it was real.

& i can't seem to get tired thinking.

you knocked me down

you revived me.

55.

send a trainee to CGH A&E the day before. A&E is still as busy as usual. was hoping to meet up with people i knew. i loitered around in the A&E with my uniform for a while, then i left with driver to have some nasi lemak from QJ.


interestingly so as i was walking out, there was this lady sitting outside with her mask on, probably about 18~20. she was practically staring at me as i was walking out, which i took 2 glimpses as i was busy checking out my phone to call back to see if my men wish to eat anything.

alright, no doubt she was quite good looking from the overall and her glittering eyes (naturally i took the 2nd glimpse after the 1st) despite surgical mask on her lower part of her face. it was obvious as my driver did noticed as well, (as we turned our direction, she turned) and my driver prompted me to ask for number which i didn't hear, till things were brought up later. (busy on phone remember?) i think guys in uniform tend to get hold of people's attention. of course, i'm not judging myself here. take it as i sincerely said alright, don't even think.

so i went back to try my luck (see my mentor), and i manage to see I. driver & i smoke back into A&E and i went to look for I. gladly, she recognizes me and we got a short catching up. i guess she was shock to see me as well. though, i knew her for only 3 days during my attachment, but it seems like we knew each other for sometime. she was a great mentor indeed.

surprise hear a news yesterday. perhaps frequency just ain't right for people at times.

somehow people drift, and situations included many disappointments. after separated, we all seem happier, and moved on. but are we? so many stories, yet they all have a different outcome.

let's trust and that everything wasn't an excuse.

i guess, people are funny. hence, we've a recent movie on "funny people". it sounded like a comedy, but in fact it tells us how funny or weird people are when facing near death, r/s or towards decisions they make in life.

when there were so many promises made before, why did it fail? failed to remember? seems like everyone is on the queue of this curse.

dinning out seems easy nowadays.

simple, yet a lack of joy.

confused.

i guess i've been thinking a lot these days. it was unlike the past, where i only have thoughts/plans about the future. i became more sensitive towards certain issues for the present, and it triggers thoughts every now and then.

i'm glad that i did manage to communicate over the phone. i guess it has been for a long time and my voice wasn't recognizable.

been to a few places these days, and every place brings back some images. it kind of come to me very naturally.

i wonder about the worthiness of r/s which i had previously doubted. or rather i question about myself now, is there any form of possibility/ is it really no longer feasible?

as mentioned, i can't afford to take on any r/s even if things were to be back. probably i am afraid; i'm afraid of going through the cycles of emotional tour.

people tell me, just go ahead & date. you've got what you have. you tried Ferrari before, why not try a Lamborghini? but the thing is...

i've thought about it way before hand, and i already knew what i wanted..; someone who's really down to earth & whom i can be really be comfortable with, be myself and don't need any masks, appreciates the everything we share, going through the good days & bad days, and lastly to work together for our common dreams.

sometimes, all you could remember are the good memories that were given. someone asked me, "don't you hate ..?" i did, but i don't now. i understood the character, and i forgive. till now, there isn't any form of bad memories that comes to me, but only the good ones. & i could remember how simple things were & how simple we want things to be.

seems like the more you love, the more you may turn out to hate. yet, there isn't any reason why.

i enjoyed the company of my friends these weeks. they had been great. but somehow there's this emptiness, somewhat un-fulfilling. it feels like the happiness or whatever you may enjoyed isn't shared with someone whom you knew close to your heart.

love may sometimes seem to be a burden and so, being able to shrug it off may seem to be really happier. yet, it could be something which makes your everyday more fulfilling. everyone needs the support, the love, the care/concern, & the very little things in which the one you love could do for you and no one else.

love is blind and so were the many sweet happenings which seem to come along like free goodies bags along the way. i couldn't imagine how situations had came till this date. have we allowed situtations to control us? or are we denying and running away more than before?

& so i ask myself again, how is it no longer possible where you think back about those hurdles we went through? had we been just compromising and not been embracing differences? i'm not looking at the timeline, but i'm picking up those or many special times we shared.

this is probably another higher & more difficult hurdle.

i can imagine how love will be like if things were ever to be back, those passion & attention..

but there isn't anything for me to hope for as i no longer seem to understand or tentatively now. i want love to come back to what it use to be, with burning romance.


attended a wedding ceremony at fullerton ytd. it was simple, yet sweet. & it got me recalled those feelings.

Ms. R is looking better than before as compared to the 1st time i see her. perhaps it's true about this phrase; a women who's in love looks prettier compared to when she isn't. things are getting a lil' too sweet for my friends. zzZ. i'm happy for them thou.


& as long as you're happier, i'm contented.


goodbye.

49

heard this songs over 883 today. then i realize, i've never taken note of the lyrics..

改编词:小寒 曲:伍家辉

一人一半感情不散
一人一素故感情才会久
时光累计安静的泪滴
一心去追爱那么可贵

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半(一人一半)感情不散(感情不散)
已经找到爱为何要离开

时光累计(时光累计)安静的泪滴(安静的泪滴)
一心去追爱那么可贵(爱那么可贵)

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半感情不散
已经找到爱为何要离开
已经找到爱为何先离开

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

how do you differentiate people who appreciate the superficiality & simplicity?

when we can't differentiate, it's probably disappointments we'll always face.

i guess most locals are lacking this character asset. probably only
childhood friends whom we knew back then till now, allows us to differentiate the fact.


probably people are generally categorized as such:

when you have nothing, you have the friends you always have. however, when you have something (power/status/wealth), you're probably attracting people who leverages on you.

this brings me back to what i learned from Mr. R, having wealth is not enough. this doesn't provide opportunities for cash flow. you need to be powerful & established, that's where you automatically create the opportunities for growth of wealth.

people who are successful look for people who has a character/ways of doing, and to provide them with the opportunities or to feel safe to cooperate with for businesses. this in turns creates the trust.

who we are now are due to reality (environment), which has definitely a great impact on our attitudes which changes us overtime. however, the very root of our character hasn't, and we tend to fall back to who we are.

we create environment/reality/situations. however, we don't let them control us. we've got to be in control of what we create for what we wanted at the very first place.

months back, i doubt my character. i thought whatever i did was "whiny" & only complains which isn't a manly thing. should a man just "suck it up" and do/carry on whatever/ face with in life? is that what a man does?

sadly, i don't. as i always believe environment/reality/situations are in my hands. i can control, i can change. why don't even try?

currently, i'm happy with my work. i love my boss, my colleagues. at least i feel that i'm in control of my life (people don't control me except once in a while, randomly like today i was kinda reprimanded for having my hair too long? x.x). & as a team, we dare to face/fight the other more important issues.

& we all fight for what's right despite hassles which everyone prefers to dodge away.

consolidated thoughts.

for the past one month, i've learnt a lot from people's experiences and from books. & thanks to MWO Ho, i found the part of me that was lost.

& i just read a new book, "mars & venus starting over" - it's a whole lot of emotion explorations.

some will say:

"u surprise me overtime i see you, you really putting in effort for r/s."

"bingo! you're right about how women are thinking now."

"a guy would never bother to even understand."

"understand about yourself before women." - but i'm learning both.

"when you moved on to marriage, it's about 2 best friends staying together"

some older generations would say "impressive for a young guy to love someone so long."

i guess i'm starting to be a counselor for couples.

but here's the fact, i've never done what's right for the r/s. as selfish as a mars will always be, we'll never understand venus unless we bother to. she has done her very part for me, but i didn't cherish.

things always takes 2 hands to clap at the right frequency.

as for now, let's back track things a little and consolidate my thoughts...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

types of man

there are 2 types of man. mainly, in the progress of building success & a successful man.

Process of building success (Level 1): this man looks for a partner who is willing to go through the ups and downs of his life, being there to support him till the day he become successful.

Successful man (Level 2): Once he has gotten his success or established a certain level of success (w/o a partner all the while), he knows what he wants, and what type of partner he is looking out for.

Man will after all go through these 2 levels.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

r/s WANTS & NEEDS

a year ago when i was working in aviation company, i was exposed to what i WANTED. i did question myself if i was staying on for passion/responsibility/commitment. however, what you WANT & NEED is different. & i manage to answer this myself.

What you WANT lies in your thoughts, and what you NEED lies in your heart. often than not, we do not get what we need in our heart overtime. then, the mind takes over the heart. after sometime, what attracts you are often what you WANT and not getting the needs from the r/s.

however, what you WANT can grow overtime from expectations. has life been too comfortable that expectations evolved and became different/increased?

back to the point, what spark off the attraction is often what you're lacking in your previous/current r/s. if this emotional dilemma isn't resolved, you're only getting into a "r/s danger". after all it's temporary relief & checking in the new checklist you created, when familiarization and routine sets in, it'll fail.

"in the beginning, we didn't really know each other. now you have seen the best of me and the worst of me, and you still adore me. that is real love."

love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing life together, truly loving relationships make up fabric of fulfilling life. the relentless demands in our lives have to go more, go faster, and do better can distract us from this simple truth.

that was a part of remembering love.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

subconscious vs deception

& recently, i've this new insights to subconscious thoughts. true enough, subconscious thoughts are unknown. if you're able to explain "subconsciously you've been feeling.. subconsciously i think..", then you're just forming a deception over your perception.

subconscious thoughts are unknown. you can't say it yourself. however, it can trigger your action.

i.e. subconsciously you like someone, yet you're in a r/s. this actually forbidden you to explore into the someone you like. however, it may trigger you to break up/losing passion for the r/s overtime or tentatively. this subconsciousness will surfaced the moment after the break up (i.e. starting/trying to interact with the person), it becomes a conscious fact.

however the above scenario can be interlink with the aforementioned about not getting what you NEED and looking for what you WANT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no one is perfect. i'm may not be the best, but i'm doing my best.

i've seen and look into the details i missed, and did not bother to understand.

i went through the 4 stages of emotional tour. mainly; fear, sorrow, sadness and anger. & i explored into feeling betrayed, hurt, blame, mistrust n etc. each time, i let the pain grow, each time i allow waves to hit me over and over.

i've got back that sense of peace. & i'm letting go with love & forgiveness..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as much as i love you & as much as i want to get back, i wouldn't want it now.


feel free to love/date anyone, find what you need.


it's not about "to-get-her", but to be together.



p.s. i love you.

appreciated.

bumped into one of my ex-colleague yesterday. we had a short chat.

he thanked me for doing the right thing, to an extent of probably tarnishing my reputation and relationship with people.

at least he appreciates and thanked me. & unknowingly, i received some good comments from others which i didn't expect.

he told me that i should have stay on and make changes with Boss. right now everything changed, and that people are doing what's right. still, there's one thing yet to change within themselves. as i believe, people will all grow to be a better man.

there're always people who likes you and dislikes you, but i guess it's all passing phase.

afterall, when we work we meant to solve problems.

did i regret the change to a "less welfare" place? i don't. at least for now, i made good colleagues/ friends. in life, you often gain some loose some. but ultimately, you got to know what you want.

i learn this phrase as well, "do you get things right or do what's right?" i guess i belong to the latter.

for things i clearly want, my decisions were never a regret. time will give u an answer. and i found the answer from what i kept 1 year plus back.

it was exactly the same. but this time, it was portrayed differently.

sometimes you may have the opportunity, but you lack the capability to work things out/ to thrive/ to grab.

but when you start to realize your capability, all you need is opportunity.



i know what you're working for. =)

作词:方文山 作曲:周杰伦

我不配

这街上太拥挤
太多人有秘密
玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪
在还原那场雨
这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里

这日子不再绿
又斑驳了几句
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
电影院的座椅
隔遥远的距离
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你
你却微笑的离我而去

这感觉已经不对
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略你不过要人陪

这感觉已经不对
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配

broken strings.

the ugly truth.

a great comedy/romance movie i would say. many insights as what i've read, and of course the many new ones which surfaced. i would definitely love to quote some out from the show, however i couldn't remember them exactly. probably when got to catch the 2nd time.

but some rough quotes here & cross references from the book i read..

- women wants man to be like a women, yet this is surely unrealistic. however, just like man, a man wants a woman to be like his guy friends.

- women fantasize about a perfect partner, but it doesn't happen in reality.

- women have their checklist on the ideal partner they want. as i read, this is quite similar to women having point system which is created subconciously in their mind.

probably women just likes to create documents in their mind. =X

the above are some facts which i read and it was clearly displayed in parts of the scene.

an attention from man can often spark of the many emotions in women.

as mentioned, men and women are hardwired differently. we do things the opposite. actually we know, but often than not, we do not accept the opposite.

the movie has shown 2 couples of very different personality coming together at the end. although on the female side, she has tried to find someone similar and close to her requirements (using very much of her thoughts), but it doesn't work out. on the other hand, the man unknowingly love her, for no reason.

the man has embrace this differences, because he is aware and he understood. as for the woman, unknowingly she has understood and embraces this differences between them overtime.

"man loves a woman whom he is successful in loving in"

there is no reason. and true enough, because you JUST do so.

there's one scene in the show as the couple had some passionate dance; brought me back some images which i probably wouldn't have thought of times back.

the ugly truth is, man are definitely lustful. however, a man will only really love one who he truly does (and of course successful in loving).

this brings me back to a point which was shared by others; our partner consist of 80% of what we need. 20% goes to what we really want. however, if you think about the love that has gradually accumulated over time, and the storms that you've went through. it just adds up to 100% what you really need.


the 20% of what you want are just your fantasies.

-

i got a sweet dreams last night. and yea, i hate waking up from sweet dreams.


perception between the generations seems to have drifted a little.

spoils mood.


x.x

《彩虹》

作曲:周杰伦 作词:周杰伦

哪里有彩虹告诉我
能不能把我的愿望还给我
为什麼天这麼安静
所有的云都跑到我这里

有没有口罩一个给我
释怀说了太多就成真不了
也许时间是一种解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

看不见你的笑 我怎麼睡得著
你的身影这麼近我却抱不到
没有地球 太阳还是会绕
没有理由 我也能自己走

你要离开 我知道很简单
你说依赖是我们的阻碍
就算放开
但能不能别没收我的爱
当作我最后才明白

RAP
看不见你的笑
要我怎麼睡得著
你的身影这麼近我却抱不到
没有地球太阳开始环绕环绕
没有理由我也能自己走掉
是我说了太多就承受不了
也许时间是一种解药解药
也是我现在正服下的毒药

men need to feel needed, and women need to feel they are not alone.

'many women today are under so much stress that they are simply unable to feel their needs. under stress, women tend to reach out and feel the needs of others rather than their own. with a little time and exploration, these strong and independent women discover and admit to a variety of needs, most commonly:

- she needs a man for romantic companionship
- she needs a man to be faithful
- she needs a man for simple companionship. she doesn't want to come home to a big, beautiful, empty house or apartment
- she needs a man around because she feels safer - two people are twice as good as one
- she needs to have a partner to share fun times with
- she need a partner to share with who cares about her well-being
- she needs a partner to share responsibilities of caring for the nest
- she needs a partner to fix things
- she needs a partner's support to feel really great

the truth is, women today need men more than ever. they need man in different ways. men can provide special support that can assist women in coping with the new stresses of modern life, but most women don't know how to get this support or to appreciate it properly when it is available. with greater awareness of her needs, a woman can begin to appreciate what she is getting and focus less on what she is not getting. with more realistic vision of what is possible rather than the Hollywood fantasy of a man who fulfills her every wish, she is better able to appreciate his efforts and not take for granted all the things her partner already does provide.'

-

sometimes, love reach a stage where u love his/her everything unknowingly, yet you didn't ever realize. & people around you cried for this love, as they care for this love.

it's like a sudden lost of a very close beloved member of the family.


those who sees, they care.

Found the song lyrics.

Today 883 just filled with so much good songs and this was one of it.

hmm..

刘力扬 - 寂寞光年

是谁从我天空摘走了星星
一转眼 眉头聚满乌云
从来快乐悲伤都自己判刑
忘了我也值得被关心

一双手一个梦
一路上不断的俯冲
痛到忘了要怎么喊痛

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想要拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

是谁将阳光都剪成了雨滴
天灰了，快乐总有限期
从来都陷在孤独的流沙里
忘了我也配被人在意

一个人一直走看着梦像做了又空
精疲力尽有没有哪里可以停泊

漫长的寂寞淹没我的难过
我的世界是零下的沙漠
其实我也想有拥抱的温柔
融化这颗坚强的泡沫

漫长的等候让人特别失落
锋锐寂寞把天空都割破
还有谁能够紧握着我的手
陪着我期待消失的彩虹

那是谁的温柔留在我的小手
微不足道却那么重
漫长的寂寞把意志都吞没
整个世界是沉默的漩涡
有谁能陪我手牵着手出走
带我离开空洞的星球

还有什么值得追求
还有什么可以拥有
把怀抱借给我是不是就不再颤抖
有谁能带走这美丽的哀愁
能让我相信被爱的理由

this song lyrics really long, but it's not very repetitive.

today just damn sian, probably cause of the rain.

hmm..


u r.

hormones are from heaven

'at the start of the relationship, a man will get excited and motivated by the challenge of winning a woman's affection. the challengeautomatically stimulates the production of testosterone, the hormone from mars that contributes to a man's sense of power and well-being. when his testosterone levels are at normal levels, he is pumped and is more attentive and attracted to his partner.

as routine sets in over time, and the challenge in the relationship decreases, his testosterone levels decrease. when this happens, the honeymoon is over, and a man looks to stimulate higher levels of testosterone. work outside the home provide new challenges to capture a man's interest and raise his testosterone levels.

overtime, as reality sets in and her expectations are not always satisfied, she no longer assumes that all her needs will be met. the resulting decrease in hope, trust, and optimism will affect her oxytocin levels. her daily routine loses some of its magic. she attempts to bring back the magic by giving more to their relationship, but when her attempts are not reciprocated, she eventually loses the glow, along with motivation to give more.'

with increasing number of people not understanding the differences between man and woman, we'll never get things right.



i can feel..


i do. =)

support seeking.

'man love projects. projects are specific. they have a beginning and an end. he can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it. men will often do what they consider is most important first. ask for a man's support in specific instead of general terms.

even if he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy, particularly if a woman's tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions. when he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help her out in the future.'

had 1x fun yesterday with J, & we had spend a long night together. afterall those who truly understands me are people who have spent very short times with me in parts of my life. surprisely, they turn out to be the hidden supporters, watching my growth through the years.

as far as i know..

it's..

you know.


FLY!!!

behaviors

'when men and women are insecure, they have equal tendency to use strong emotional outbursts or the silent treatment as a way to threaten, shame, or punish their partners. when this is the case, they are using their reactions to control and manipulate rather than release their stress.

when a man pulls away to cope with his own stress, a woman may chose to punish him by pulling away when he comes back. she may develop the testosterone tendency of pulling away. unfortunately, her spiteful behavior does not support either partner.

punishing our partners by withholding our love may work in the short term, but in the long term it creates fear and mistrust, causing on tension and conflict.

an attitude of "i win you lose" in a relationship is an empty victory. when you love someone, you lose if that person loses. the greatest pain we feel in a relationship comes when we withhold the love in our own hearts.' - denial?

"real love does not demand perfection but actually embraces imperfection", it's not about compromising.


as i talked to someone who was much elder than i am today. i am starting to realise & learn the many things between men & women, having many new insights as well. you'll never learn unless you bother to find out.

these few weeks, my pace in life slowed down a little. i start to observe people again. day to day, we laughed, we kept ourselves busy with friends/work/things we like to do, despite the problems we faced from work/school/family/techical problems (i.e my laptop screen flickering, not doing whatever that was suppose to be done to solve the problem). stress? definitely. i come back daily, i am faced with the same laptop problem. i guess it's time to do something about it.

when night falls, it's when we're in our comfortable cave, being ourselves once more, then we think about ourselves, our day and everything. the night just seems so comfortable, to be yourself.

finished with AOH. but currently, i've a few projects on hand. real busy, but i'm brewin' success. i'm ready, and i'm fallin'..

airbone! hah!



用心, 用意, 在意地听.


offs here i come!

fight/flight response

"when men experience the fight-or-flight response, vasopressin is released into their bodies and enhanced by testosterone. the combination pf vasopressin and testosterone suppresses the production of oxytocin, so it is more difficult for men to calm down. as a result of the suppression of oxytocin production, men do not have the built-in tranquilizer that women have to deal woth stress. in day-to-day activites, women have much higher levels of emotional reaction, but at times of great danger, when men are ready to fight, it is often women who calm things down."

woman's never-ending-to-do list

"the more stress man experiences during the day, the emptier his mind becomes. it is inconceivable to women that a man can quite effortlessly sit and not think about things. this doesn't occur for women, because their muscles don't break down like a man's and rob the brain of amino acids required to think. the more a man feels stressed, the more he needs to recover."

a woman's higher fat-to-muscle ratio enables her body not only to make extra hormones for childbearing but also provide additional energy. by burning fat stored in her extra fat cells, she can produce 20 times more energy than man. this extra energy supports her brain, which never rest, churning away nonstop to create a never-ending-to-do list."

房祖名: 最动听

昨天晚上我又梦见你
在梦里我看见很美的东西
可能是在睡前想过你
才会梦见你

在梦里
我常常寻寻觅觅寻找着你
是梦而已

在现实里我曾经问过自己是否爱你
还是个游戏

我想要看见你的眼睛
听见你的声音

不管多小声我会用心地听
不管多小声多小声
我也会用心用意在意地听

我想要看见你的眼睛
听见你的声音
不管多小声我会用心地听
不管多小声多小声
因你的声音
在我心
是最为动听

Interesting Facts.

"Sexual activity produces testosterone in men, but orgasm releases oxytocin. This calming effects of this hormonal cascade why men often roll over and fall asleep afterward. After sex, a man's testosterone level can drop for a while, which is why a man sometimes feels a need for greater distance immediately after sex.

Men and women react opposite ways after sex on account of their hormones. While a woman's elevated oxytocin levels put her cuddle reflex in high drive, the dynamic of rising oxytocin and falling of testosterone often causes a man to withdraw as his hormones return to normal balance. Understanding and accepting that men sometimes retreat after sex, when women feel the most connected, can help avoid bad feelings."

-End-

watched "i love you, beth cooper". Nice one. i've new insights as i watch such shows with a romance in it, better understanding of emotions/perspectives between men and women.

i miss this.. as i watch.. hmm..


"thank you for loving me", as beth said.

night.

some sharing once again..

man has to understand this concept very well. loving a woman for life and loving someone just as long as your feel-good hormones can last you. aforementioned, every relationship gradually comes to a passionless stage. it's always you stay on because of the time commitment given overtime which you don't wish for it to go to waste, or otherwise staying due to marriage = responsibility.

however, passion needs to be thrive together as a couple. not one sided. while women may be focusing on thriving on the passion (which they are sensitive enough to feel the loss), she may be giving more. for her, giving more just means she is trying. but this isn't what she needs/ wants to do. she is neglecting herself, her needs. her oxytocin levels jus drops over time, and it'll be empty one day. she needs to fill her oxytocin levels herself, knowing what she needs. subsequently, subconciously as she is giving, she gives points to herself and not to the man. however, even if the man is doing sometghing significant which he feels, she may not be able to appreciate/sees it because her oxytocins levels are just to low to make her realise. high oxytocin levels reduce women's stress, only then she's able to appreciate.

as for man, if he doesn't feel appreciated, her testosterone levels just decreases. his energy level just drops as well. simply because he doesn't feel he is making a difference to her life. a man is happy when he knows he is making a difference to her life and she appreciates.

alright, so much so of some concepts between man and women. definitely, certain ways of communicating needs to be learn as well to avoid any form of heated arguments. ultimately, we love, so why fight?

seriously, i am recommending this book to be read by all women and man. it was out in today's newpaper that it had helped in many relationships which fails. then, we'll understand the many things we never do despite so much effort in figuring out, and we suppose we know. actually, we don't. no more guesses.

i'm embracing the differences, and not accomodating to it. without learning to embrace differences, you'll never get to compromise. subconciously, you're just asking yourself to follow the motion of compromising. it's a big difference.

i once loved a girl, but i am now learning to love a woman. this is time when you discover and learn.

ultimately, are you looking for a relationship which has no passion at the end just because you're married? or are you looking for a partner to share your life with? so now i ask myself, to find a suitable partner? does suitability dependant on similiarities? i guess, the larger the differences you have, the more you'll want to dicover from your partner, the more passion you'll create. it all depends on how you work on it. if u love, you'll never fail to try and discover.

some people told me, "if she loves you, she loves you."

some said, "nothing is more beautiful than the first love you really love for. it was when you actually put in everything you have, no reserve."

good night once again.


oh, something exciting happened today. fun fun fun... hah.

i guess i've shared, enough.

something to share for the day (from the same book)..

"w/o an understanding of this last difference, a women can feel neglected when a man waits to the last minut to plan time with her or when he doesn't anitcipate her needs. if a woman understand this differences, she is no longer resents needing to ask for support, because she realizes that his brain simply doesn't work the way hers does.." - woman brains are designed to anticipate the emotions, sensitivities and needs of others. men, on the other hand, are more acutely aware of their own needs. Since thousands of years, they need this ability to protect themselves in the wild. on the other hand, a woman's kufe insurance was making sure she cared for others.

a woman's biggest challenge is to begin caring for herself as much as she is caring for others.


single Focus on Mars/ Multitasking on Venus

a woman brain has a larger corpus callosum, the bundle of nervs that connects the right and left hemispheres, is 25% smaller in men. This means that men do not connect feelings and thoughts as readily as women do. In real sense, women have superhighways connecting their feelings to speech, while men have back roads with plenty of stop signs. This stronger connection between parts of the brain increases a women's ability to multitask. When she is listening, she is also thinking, remembering, feeling and planning all at the same time.

a man's brain is highly specialized, using a specific part of a single hemisphere to accomplish a task. A woman's brain is more diffuse, using both hemispheres for many tasks. This neurological difference allows men to focus and block out distractions for long periods of time. While women tend to see things ina broader context, from a larger vantage point.

hence, this insight can help a woman not to take it personally when he is at the computer and seems annoyed when asks him a question. It is simple for her to shift gears when interrupted, but it is much more difficult for him.

i'm finishing the book soon. each day i start to understand myself and women more, and as i read i realise the many things that actually did happened over time. How complex can thoughts and emotions be? Only if you care to find out the differences and increase your awareness.

differences create attraction and passion, and we are.

understanding will be tough, just like chemical structures, it's meant to be that way.

we need to know, then to communicate, and to cross the hurdle. otherwise, every relationship will just fail the way it is as time passes, be it before or after marriage.

good night.

as i read, i understood. every relationship is meant to be, and there'll always be a stage where things happen. be it marriage, or long dating couples. it's natural, from differences in perceptions, emotions, environment and to biochemistry. it explains all the answers i've been looking for.

you don't have to exactly understand the difference (because biologically we're made different), but you need to be aware of the difference, then we can thrive and not trying survive/sustain relationships.

so here are some interesting extracts i picked up from "Why Mars & Venus Collide":

"i remember when this idea became very clear to me about 6 years into my own marriage with my wife, bonnie. after some particularly great lovemaking, i commented, 'this was as good as it was in the beginning.'

her response taught me something important. she said that making love that night was actually better than in the beginning, because, as she explained, 'in the beginning, we didn't really know each other. now you have seen the best of me and the worst of me, and you still adore me. that is real love.' - love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing life together, truly loving relationships make up fabric of fulfilling life. the relentless demands in our lives have to go more, go faster, and do better can distract us from this simple truth.


"though men and women are similiar, when it comes to stress, they are different. with increasing stress, these differences are intensified. instead of facing life's challenges and growing together in love, many couples drift apart to a comfortable but passionless distance, or are ripped apart by feelings of resentment, confusion, and mistrust.."


"once newness of love wears off, familiarity and routine set in. feel-good hormone levels begin to drop, and stress level begin to rise. it is as if love gives us about 3 years pf blissful hormones for free, but after the honeymoon period is over, we have to earn them." - this was later explained with a series of biochemistry which in turn was stresses we face from reality. every relationship eventually, will end up till this date.

as i believe, it is complex. but research has proven WHY.

now then, i'm searching for the root of problems. it's never too late, because i understood.

as i was out today, came across a CD shop which plays this old song.

Martina McBride - My Valentine

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

La da da
Da da da da

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine

You're all i need
My love, my valentine

歌曲：空缺
歌手：伍家辉 专辑：虽然我愿意

当你关上了门离开这个房间
关上了仅有的光线只剩想念
我还感受到温柔的幻觉
月亮的背面写满了我们的细节

我的回忆种满你曾对我说过的预言
开成了一座遗憾的花园
也许一天在挤满行人的那一条街
你才会发现我留下的空缺

没有人能完全填补的空缺

就当作我们不熟练不够周全
就当作我们追不上彼此改变
我以为能完美写下句点
时间在后面遥控了所有的情节

幸福需要的磨练我们都误解成搁浅
活在想象的明天忘了今天未完结


how complex can human emotions and thoughts be?
it can never be understood fully.

Past

this story was sometime back in my post. find it interesting and i'm reposting this again. my mind has consistently been flash with memories.. so this is how it goes..

The couples knew each other at university. They had romantic courtship. They move on into marriage. However, Joe’s (changed name) marriage ended in about 13 years.

“No more morning kisses, no more sending off her to work, no more quarrels nor fights and no more bedroom wrestle.”

At this moment of time, in the process of reading the article, you may be thinking that Joe had been unfaithful and swayed. However, let’s move on.

Before they got married, they got an agreement list. Whereby each party states the like and dislike of the other. On the lady’s side, she had a long list. However, joe only had one; “I want to grow old with you”. It didn’t turn out to be a lifetime but 13 years.

The happily married couple had 3 children and Joe always have his family day with his family weekly.

He was contracted with diabetes in his twenties. Doctor says he’ll have his honeymoon for the 10 years. There after, his body will start breaking down. They didn’t believe this as one of their uncle or friend if I’m not wrong, live pass 70 even when contracted with diabetes at a very young age.

On this tragic day, his wife couldn’t contact his husband. It was a Sunday. As usual, he cooked breakfast and proceed on to wash and polish his car before the family outing. His wife’s worry was he might have fainted from low sugar levels caused by his diabetes.

Then, police came knocking on the door to seek for identification of body. Her wife’s hope was it wasn’t her husband and it was a mistake. She saw his lifeless body on the ground. Their whole life together flashed in her mind; their moments of intimacy, fights, laughter… everything.


- end -

trust.

i couldn't stop myself from pondering. but i chose to trust despite the different perspective given by others. it's the 2nd sat w/o you, how are you..?

dreams.

it has been the 7th day w/o you. i'm starting to sleep abit more, probably i'm really tired out from my swell up eyes which i suffered the past few days. and i've been sleeping abt 5 hrs each day and no more.. still, each night, i woke up in the middle of the night to find myself back to reality w/o you.

as i was in camp yesterday, i had a deja vu for a moment of my life. it was the same feeling as it was in my dreams. i lost you, and i did..

as i was browsing through the pictures and small clips of ours (to reduce my misses), i've probably forgotten the reality of life that i may just lose you one day.. and i did. still, i don't think love has long gone, but i would say - forgotten. sometimes when ideas where assumed and not communicated overtime, we form a deceptive perception from our assumed known subconscious. but subconscious mind isn't known by self; it's unknown.

subconsciously, i maybe moving on. but is my heart moving on?

i believe you do miss me. i believe, you do.. and this is my 1st friday w/o you after a long time.. i miss you.. do you remember the times..?

Deceptions of mind.

it has been the 6th day without you, and my life just seems to quieten down by alot.. it has also been a long time since I've last blogged. probably there isn't any platform for me to express my thoughts for now.. neither do i wish to affect you in anyway. time seems to pass very slowly, every moment, my mind is all abt you..

i guess at the end of the day, failure lies with the things we've done unknowingly. subconsciously, we've done things which we shouldn't. subconsciously, we assumed and ideas weren't communicated properly overtime. subconsciously, subconsciously... we formed certain perception. And clearly and not subconsciously, i know deep down, the love is still there. It can't be lost completely.. probably the love was forgotten..

there i was, at the wooden chair we sat before.. i turned back, it was the same tree we once took our photos with.. as i stood at the huge rock, looking out at the sea, turning back again, it was the very same coconut where you and i took photos with.. then i realised.. we did miss something unknowingly..

as i cycled through the many paths we took, i remember those times spent. They were our very sweet moments despite the number of years we had been together. And it's probably i've been really busy that we've lost touch of spending quality time..

it has been really a long time and we finally came thus far. I miss those times spent with you, the food we shared (those meals.. don't we..?), and the many things we see as one. Those times where we experience one another's sorrows, and happiness of life was simply unforgettable. We truly feel that for each other.. As u ever gave me one thing, “nothing was more beautiful than the love that has weathered through the storms of life..”

at the end of the day, i still respect whatever you said you've decided. I know what you need, a total freedom. I love you, and so i'm letting you go.. And i know it would probably be good as well.. neither do i wish the story to end the day before marriage.. and so I've got this hope and faith – if we're ever back again, i know the feelings would be back to what it originally was, totally different experience and that we would treasure one another more.. and it would probably be another even longer chapter..

I've faced this very well and surely i'm coping as well as you are. hope to see you soon..

Life Update.

Life has been busy. 1 month of rest goes to Taiwan, Taipei and HongKong. All the fun and joy. Currently working in GoodRich, good to be rich; an aviation manufacturing industry. It's probably the next in thing. However, I'm in the Human Resource department. Burning hours of my life slacking for money. Some weeks busy, some weeks slack like shit.

Working full-time plus tuition will make me rich for the next few months. All goes to the saving for the future. Anticipating Army too, I mean I can't wait to ORD. LOL. Not yet start but anticipating ORD.

Life's busy busy. Maximising each day and each week end. Time will fly and we're all working for the sake of future and money.

If I'm dying one day, God please allow me to know in advance. I'll do better things.

The Bucket List is a good movie. With inspirations for life. If you have the time, go download it.

More talk cocks the next time. Rest time for me.

The End. A New Stage.

This is a 2 page essay dedicated to AD34...

Now the mood comes, and of course it came after reading the post from KJ. Things need to be clarified. If it’s done face to face, situations will either get worse or the class will bond once again and to a higher level. Like what we learned in CSAS 1, a group will get better after a storm. It’s just a passing stage. However, I guess with different perceptions, grudges are bound to be held in the heart.

I hope that this post will help the class get together, be more understanding towards each other. Let’s not think about whether doing these is worth for this person or don’t. Let’s treat all equally and doing it for the worthiness of class bondage, for friendships, for more friends and not enemies.

Personally, I have too. I have grudges for accusations, for the many things I have not done against various people in the class. I sense the eyes and the talks behind my back. After the 3 years, and after spending some time alone, I would say thanks to AD34. For those who have been acting, you can finally put to a stop. The following said are sincere words and not sarcasm or “fake” words which you guys may regard as…

Thank you AD34 for making my life in polytechnic colorful. We had good times, we had bad times. The problem with us is we just do not dare to face each other and mistrust grew fonder. Of course, the different amount of effort that was put into different projects makes certain people dislike certain people further. Life being colorful isn’t about just the good times. It consists of bad times in which whether a not we have overcome them.

Definitely here are people whom I may wish to mention. However, it’s not fault picking nor like what KJ said, to stir up a war. No offence seriously.

First and foremost, I would like to thank Alistair for being a great buddy for the past 3 years. In many good and bad times, you had been with me. Although sometimes, you’re overly kiasu-er than me, but I understand your desperateness to stay competitive in the cohort. We had shared the mental shag-ness in DB, and you had shared my pain, my happiness by being a great listener and consoler. I thank you and regard you as my best of all friends in my polytechnic years. Thank you for your trust, understanding and whatever help you have given when I needed them.

Here’s the discussion of the class. The class could have been very bonded. However, the key lies on 3 major people in the class. They are considered as influential to certain people, and would lead the unwilling ones to go even.

Of course there are always the anything people and quit spotting. The people who are of course anything are the group of wonderful Malay classmates whom I seriously appreciate, me, Alistair, Ruben and of course SC.

First of all is Wei Ming. You have the persuasive ability to make the girls in the class to attend for anything. As long as u speak. Hence, semester 2.2 class chalet was a success. You voiced your interest and a few of us actually further developed it. Your weakness is by mood. When you’re happy, you can go very well with anyone. You like to choose what you like to do, what you feel is worth or not worth doing. Hence, you’ve brought 2 girls with you in year 3 with other groups of friends in the cohort. The class split as you’ve neglected your form class.

Although I’ve said that you’re the one who forged the attendance for Wang Liang, to a few people. It’s because I saw it and like YL prompted me if I had done. You know no one likes to be accused. However, since you insist that you didn’t. I don’t blame people to think that I am finding fault with you or tries to create a scene. My conscience is clear. And that perhaps in a way, I’ve remember wrongly or you’ve forgotten what you’ve done since it’s actually a small matter to us? I bare no grudges against you and I hope that you don’t too. For any misunderstandings, I here to apologies and I do not wish to make enemies with anyone. Hence, for the rest of the people in the class, let’s put this incident aside.

The second person is Yuan Long. You’re an escapist. You have the ability to bond with 3 guys, namely KJ, SC and WL. You have the ability to persuade them but you chose the path of not opening your heart to more friends. You make friends EASIER with people you sympathize with, feeling that they’re like your situations. Those who make friends easily, you tend to shift from them. You understand people, but you don’t quit get yourself. Perhaps, its past experiences which shaped you that way. You got to open your heart and accept more variety of people in life. It’ll be good.

The third person is silent Jeremy. I do not blame you because your character is anti-social. I’ve known you through internship. It was great understanding you. If you’re spotting with the class, I guess most of the time ZW or Shuan will attend, more people, the merrier.

For many who’re thinking about the incident between me, shahrez and wei lian. It was a problem of friendship and love. I am not playing the 3rd party of course, I’ve got a girlfriend. It’ll still remain as a past and not be revealed to the rest of the class due to the need to respect privacy of others. Thank you Shahrez for letting me learned that hard way. I still and love you as my CB! Good Friend. =). I will not forget the help you gave for my UO2, and allowed me to attain a B+.

For that incident, I also would like to comment something for Peishan (Do not be offended). Do not act blur because sometimes in life when you know there’s no turn back, you need to stand for what’s justified at the back of your mind, for what you’ve see or hear, then things would be easier to handle. At least for this case, I wouldn’t need to try so hard to explain myself. Perhaps you take consequence as finding trouble for yourself, but you may complicate people and situations further. No offence or you can take it no serious matter.

The next person is; Suhua. Do not discriminate people for things they’ve done be it right or wrong, be it known or unknown situations. Let’s learn to forgive and forget, then you don’t have to act. I hope that you do not regard people or be wary of people as “fake”. As learned in sociology, things will be a self-labeled and physiologically, you’ll be affected. You’ll never be able to accept them back. Making more friends is better than making more enemies isn’t it? Then, hope you control your temper and mood bah… otherwise sometimes you may just spoil the relationship with people.

Never forgetting the thanks… Thank you to you Ruben, for trusting and companying me through one of my saddest moment in polytechnic life at CPTC. Thanks. You’ve been a regarded as a great friend I know, the super UP social skills you have. It’s impressive, seriously.

As for Gowri, you may be the toughest person to deal with for my 3 years for various assignments with you. However, you’ve made me learn to deal with more variety of people and you made me stronger team player, and improved my editing skills. Perhaps, your project skills maybe as private limited as my knowledge. Hence, we balanced up. No more grudges but thanks.

Lastly, it will be for Shuan. If less sarcasm and suaning from you, you could have made more true friends rather than activities friends whom you laugh along with. That’s the path you chose though. No blames. I’ve learned to be less serious with those sarcasms/ suans which you have gave. You made me a better survivor. Thanks too. But you owe a apology to Alistair for the RED slippers!

All the best for the future! Once again, thanks (w/love & understanding).

Semester 2.2 Class Chalet

Shahrez's One Man Show:

A Denial of Deception

A denial of deception. How great this suits the theme of my blog all these while. At that point of time, I remember clearly what happened... I knew deep down inside... However, there was a denial of deception even if a direct question was asked.

Time flies, without knowing some of us are either 20 or turning 20. Life becomes more complicated as we grew older. It's US, ourselves who made it complicated. When we were young, we were all so pure, as we grew older, we're contaminated by the surrounding. Or should I say adults who did not show good enough examples?

I still remember days ago, I shared this part of my memory with PS. Telling her how I was accused and caned innocently during my primary school days. Hence I guess I should share this part of my "shameful" life...

Mischieviously, a group if kids including me went to the hall daily during recess time to play wrestling, jumping on the big mattress which was intended for sports use. To be specific, it was a mattress for you to land safely on after you jump across a bar of a certain height (forgotten the name of the sports). Then feeling thirsty, I went down to the canteen to buy yakult to drink. Without knowing, after I went back i saw my group of friends scolded by the Principal. Feeling scared, I went down and waited for their ordeal to be over. Back at class, my friend called me for an appointment with the Principal, for a rotan session and I was accused for running away. You can't possibly ask me to go back while they are having scolding isn't it? Of course, for the Alex I am now, I would. Luckily, the canning wasn't hard with a magazine tuck inside my pants. Thinking back in the perception of my Principal back then, it's just a action to scare the kids so that they will not do it again.

Feeling ashame, I did not dare to tell my parents. Till I grew older when we had one of those sharing sessions talking about life, I told my parents. It was then, I felt the shame was gone and the stone left my heart. It feels great. From then, I know being honest is the best policy. Don't tell me reality doesn't apply. If everyone are back to the basics, we're actually much less complicated.

From then, I've never lied till now. Not just only my family, it include my girlfriends and for everyone I knew. Closer ones will know more about my life, not so close knows less. Other than that, nothing was fake. I am myself, I speak for myself, I speak what I feel I should. I know the disadvantage of these is that, I may offend some people. However, to think about it for those who treat you seriously will say the truth. Only those who consider you as unworthy, will never dare to say out a single thing.

I remember there was once, I almost broke up due to a lie or rather something which my girlfriend doesn't want me to know and lied. I always believe that being the real you will make either people accept you or not. At least for what happened, I was genuine and never let you down. Hence, never let me down either.

It's amazing how people analysze situations after reading through blogs after blogs or nicks after nicks. Although people always emphasize on the phase " don't assume", they feel that they had not, but actually they had. Back at their mind, they are either suspecting, thinking and sometimes to a point they had actually start to discriminating.

Like what KJ wrote in his blog, I agree with what he said. When you don't see, don't jump to conclusion. Would you like to be accused? I guess YL should understand how I must have felt when he prompt me the other time on the issue. You don't even analysze on the situation nor think about it, you go look for evidence.


Anyway, it's easy to identify if we want to. Just think about who has the closest relation and similarity in the pen ink for that day. Otherwise, the elderly wouldn't have hinted in the admist of speech. Then, it would be obvious. Who has been the criminal/hypocrite, you analysze.

However, I ain't an old man but witness... I remember clearly...

In this case, there's only 2 conclusion I can give. A denial of deception with help of a good package cover OR a forgotten guilt. After all, time has past so long and whoever he was, he COULD have forgotten if he has done it or not. Like what the class see, it was a small matter but the elderly sees it more importantly. Hence, the latter could be a possibility. I don't blame him.

My Life, My Perception.

Somehow, I feel a little emotional. To a point, I remember my blog; to blog, to get my feelings down over my dear e-diary.

Looking over the past months, life seems to past very quickly. I’ve got my license months ago during one of the days in SIP. Life seems to be a little so sick sometimes. Still, I learn every part of it, appreciating every moment of it.

Just like a normal boy, I’ve got to wake up early for work. Sometimes waking up as early 5 plus a.m in the morning during the first few weeks, reaching home as late as 8pm. Though the frequency of such circumstances seems seldom, I often labeled these days as the difficult days where God tries to make things difficult for me. Especially those times when you missed a buy and you got to wait for goddamn 20 minutes and later on squeezing and standing, paying $0.65 for less than 2.4km bus rides.

Flashback on days being a newbie towards taking MRT, I’ve got to squeeze like “shiat” at doors and I remember having a 40 year old aunty face as close as I could see every blemishes she have despite the make-ups she tries to put on. Despite the tiredness which I suffered from traveling, I’ve got nights which I’ve got to entertain friends and girlfriend who is free way back before examinations, hoping to spend some good time with me. Yet, there were quarrels which makes me feeling even lethargic towards tomorrow.

Still and no doubt, comparing the life of luckier others, I ain’t very lucky after all. Rich kids can have cars to drive to work daily for their SIP. Even if SIP is at Jurong or Tuas, life isn’t so difficult after all. At least, they do not have to wait for bus, rush for MRT the moment they see the “arriving in 1 minute” and you got to run up escalators up to the platform. Looking at time every quarterly when reaching the destination, to take note of coming bus, and rush from platform to interchange the moment you alight the MRT. The next thing which I did and not many other do is to rush for the internal shuttle bus in NUS the moment you saw it and uncles do not give a damn sometimes, despite looking at you running after it. Thus, sometimes I gave up hope of waiting and walk up slope, run up slope. These precious times, could save me getting home earlier, having more time for myself.

At this moment I realized problems which I had in relationship. If you think that having a rich girlfriend and most of the time, you could be happy, then you’re wrong. I realized myself being able to taste and caught in between the feeling of being rich and not so rich. Being rich, often than not, you tend to be pampered. However, not necessary spoiled usually, pampered with good food, nice clothing, accessories, car to drive anytime you like. In amidst of enjoyment, we sometimes forgotten our very love ones. No doubt I may forget sometimes. However, every start of my enjoyment of a rich kid, I remember my parents, my family, my friends who ain’t so rich, hoping that they’re around, enjoying life with me.

You may ask, what’s with having car to drive, or rather being pampered? Being able to enjoy good food and personal materials, you forgot what’s bad. You tend to be more money minded, you want to be rich. You can’t stand the fact if your boyfriend says, “What if I can’t afford you to live like what you’re living now?” You’ll question him and tell him why is it that he can’t do it and etc. However, not say he’s not trying. He’s looking for an answer, an answer he seek. A truth - you want bread or do you want love. For love, no matter what lies ahead in the future, we’ll always learn to work out together as one. However, people change and we became more negligent towards feelings, when you’ve the extending privilege to use or do what you can as you grow up. Patience, once a virtue admired, now lost.

If you notice, rich people tend to forget about time. For them, money isn’t a problem. Hence, midnight taxis aren’t a problem to them. They’ll choose to hang out late. They prefer nightlife, and often than not, its more expensive. They tend to be less punctual, and do not keep track of time. They can either get a cab or drive on their own, they rush and later they complained tired and not doing this or that well, because you rush them. Yet, they’ve took the time in the world to bathe, to make up to pack. They can’t seem to pack finish. There’s always things left undone.

Perhaps, being the majority pack in the MRT/buses train the sense of urgency, punctuality and being less forgetful. Why? It all boils down to time. We know if we didn’t do something, we’ll be very very very LATE. If you didn’t prepare the night before, you’ll have to waste some time preparing in the morning, and if you woke up late by a little, everything’s going to slow down, you’ll reach bus stop late, you can’t reach the bus stop before the clock hits the next quarter, you’ll miss at least 3 MRT, you’ll later miss the next bus and so on.

Logical? Virtues are cultivated and not meant to be taken for granted. Especially when your love ones treat you with patience, never forget that they never blasted at you despite mistaken done umpteen times by you. Negligence is not inevitable, it depends on the love you have in heart.

I guess my parents did well in controlling privileges I’m allowed and not allowed. Though these are some complaints about life, I know I’m born into the right family which both my mum and dad give their unconditional love, never neglect any of us.

It was great to taste the making of my mum’s chili combined with my dad’s skills of chili crab and they’re unstoppable weekly marketing for fresh food. I’ll also never stop loving those durians my dad chose. He’s just too skilful. I wonder if I could be as good as him and have a wife as good as my mum persistence in us. Though, there were bad times, after all we still grow and matured into disciplined adults.

I ask myself again… what’s love…?

I hope we can go through hardships… so we’ll learn and grow together…

Series of UPs & DOWNs.

Somehow life hasn't been so good these days. Seems like this period of my life is a series of downfall and failures. Happenings these weeks...

Sadly, I didn't get the electives I wantg although R actually helped me to register on the day itself. My itchy handness did a re-login and somehow my selection timing was reset. Emailed OSP, LTK, TPN and ZS; but yet I still didn't get my reply. LTK only said that ZS will check and get back to me... Still I'm waiting..

Secondly, I failed my TP. Yes. FAILED. Shock? I'm just bloody 'suay'. For ciruit component, I was perfect. No demerit points. On the way out, I had a bloody motorbike learner coming into the lane which I was about to switch (still in the circuit) and when I was about to check my blindspot and to brake, the Tester did a E brake for me. I knew it's all over. It's immediate failure. Still, he allowed me to go on the road and evaluate me. Over at a junction, it was green light so I go. However, a stupid Nissan Car cut into my lane in the admist of the junction. WTF. Then he switched back as he sees the Chevron marking, resulting in a very intimate situation between cars. Fcuk. I did my brake before the Chevron and waited for opportunity behind the chevron to switch lane. He said that I had slow reaction, gave me 10 demerit points. At least for that, I was a safe driver? What kind of fast reaction can you expect with cars all packed?

Due to driving lessons and etc, now my work just all piled up. So much of analysis and interpretating of results I just learnt from my Senior. Zzz.

Lucky next week Supervisior is taking a few days off as his wife is going to due soon. Hopefully can don't go work when my experiment has to be run for like 1/2 days..

"Life isn't difficult, sometimes it's just not so fair. Life would be better ahead. No matter how tough life is, it just can't be compared to those who are experiencing worst. God is fair; when you have one thing, you lose the other. Contentment is the key to work towards success."

"Setbacks are meant to be set on your back, to allow you to put them on the path you're walking towards to - Success."

I've picked myself up. Thanks Darling.

"Nothing is more beautiful than the Love that has weathered through the storms of Life."

Orh.. Sometimes I feel man are so egoistic. All they cared is their face. If face is important, then I guess character is more important. Humble is seriously a virtue. The more ego you are, the uglier you are, no matter how much you try to save your face. Bring maturity to higher level please? Thanks.

MY SIP, MY MP.

Alright. Here’s fast update of my life for the past 2 weeks,

First of all, my SIP = MP. Almost everyday when I’ve reached IMRE, I’ll be doing my MP. My SIP is like only during laboratory experiment where I need to carry out experiment for my MP. Sorry for the English though, I’m too tired to type properly. Still got to type report after this.

Working hours has been very flexible. We can go home as early as 10am in the morning if you’ve got to run a experiment for 2 days. The latest I’ve been released was like 3.30pm. Bless? VERY.

Working environment has been very good. Supervisors and people are friendly or otherwise introvert and talk to their apparatus only. It’s a environment I’ve seen very much less of politics. Unlike in TP sometimes, you can always hear people badmouthing who and who. I guess that’s the result of KIASU Singaporeans. It’s when you’re afraid of losing, then you start to ‘suan’ or badmouth? It’s very much of the ego.

For meals, we’ve to take a 5 minutes walk to NUS Business canteen. Meals are very much cheaper than in TP; cheap with large quantity. Tea breaks are provided in IMRE as well; with tea and biscuits served in the break area. The biscuits ain’t those cheapo type nor those very EX lah. Rather, it’s reasonable and nice to enjoy; wafers biscuits and those. 6 in 1 Nescafe Drinks machine are available 24/7; ranging from Teh Tariks, Café Mocha, milo, cappuccino and etc. There are trays which you can make Chinese tea, tea, add as much coffee mate like what Jeremy Tan does.

Basically, I call this part of my life enjoyment. Although the tedious part is the logbooks and reports, I’ve got no complaints. Somehow, MS Word seems rusty to me. It has been sometime since I last use for editing and projects. Zzz.

I’ve also got a new laptop. Darn cool. It’s running at 2GHz Duo Core, 2GB ram, 160 (5400rpm) Sata HDD, Nvidia Gforce grahics card (8400x I think) and DVD writer with lightscribe technology (means that you can print picture on your CD), and 2MP in-built webcam. It also has a remote control to say play your movies and etc, it can also function as a ppt. slide remote..!

It was good specs with good bargain and 7 free gifts worth like $350 plus after calculating free gifts prices. My new 2GB Smart Disk Thumb Drive also look very cool. Hahaha. It was a need to improve conveniency when I need a computer in IMRE. The computers are old and quite screwed up. It is lag and sometimes when you’re doing your MP and after typing a lot, it suddenly restart. Zzz.

I’m Happy but my Dad is broke. Hahaha.

There was a quote I caught on IMRE laboratory door:

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

This is seriously a fast entry. Good bye.

3 Weeks of Rest & Enjoyment.

These 3 weeks had been a good one. Good rest, good time with people I spent with. Sadly, it’ll be coming to an end. These 2 days I was busy changing the skin of my computer; from XP to Vista alike. I had a great time changing system files but subsequently I found a program Vista Transformation Pack after much researching. It had save me time creating a Login Screen & Boot Screen. I couldn’t copy screen of my Login Screen & Boot Screen. But here’s a preview of my desktop now:

Cool?

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1st June 2007. BBQ @ The Bayshore.

This BBQ was organize by Aldric, Raymond and Henry; the people with bikes & a van. Cool isn’t it? Seriously thanks for organizing this BBQ. I give my full appreciation. I guess this is simply the best of the best BBQ with wonderful and delicious food. It’s simply great!

There are… Crabs, Prawns, Sotongs, Stingray (plain but fresh, due to lack of time to marinate), sausages, hotdogs, the don’t know what bread which you’ll usually eat with curry (Ciam Tao Lotti) in dialect. I forgot the spelling for the English; toast over the charcoals and applied with garlic, chicken wings - as usual, crab meat, marsh-mellows, watermelons, pumpkins. The seafood simply own the BBQ. Also the sauces, I call mayonnaise, don’t what wine for cooking (not the Chinese style of hua diao jiu) should be the Ang Mo style, chilli sauce and etc.

The next group of stuff which own the BBQ are… Schweppes tonic, Red Bull, Ribena, White wine, Red wine, Gin. And… I was the man of the day! Making the best drink. It’s simple. Just mixed them all. However, always do it with the right quantity, otherwise you’ll end up like Nic/Ken, kind of drunk too fast as he add too much gin. So, here the recipe:

• 10 ml of Gin. Using dilution factor, 40% alcohol to 10ml and top up with others would mean that 1 cup contains about 8% alcohol.
• 2 spoons of white wine. Those plastic spoons use in BBQ will do.
• 1 Spoon of Ribena to add to the color; Reddish Yellow.
• About 15ml to 20ml of Red Bull depending on who sweet you want.
• Add 2 Cube of Ice.
• Add a twist of Green Lemon. Cut a slice.
• Top up with Tonic, fill the cup.

This is an estimation of my recipe. I mixed my drink with estimation of quantity through feelings lah. But trust me, everyone agree that it’s nice..!

Here are some pictures of the nice food we had:

Anyway, thanks again to all. To Henry Tan, I guess all of us will miss you definitely. Meantime, enjoy your work w/o students. Haha.

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2nd June 2007. Basketball.

Had a game of basketball with a few of my old friends. Long time no play and hang out. It was all laughter while playing. It was great. We should come out and play more often.

Happy Ending

“The End” of CPTC. It was indeed a memorable one. Great learning opportunities and experience we had. After all, I did not get the “Best Trainee”, sad right? LOL. But it’s ok. Derrick deserves more than I do. He was more hardworking than me. Anyway, Henry revealed during the drinking session, that I was one of the top 3 in the group who got A for this 6 weeks training after tabulation of marks! One of them is Derrick (of course), Xing Wei and Me. Supposedly there was Kelvin too, the 4 of us got high marks for practical but perhaps he didn’t do that well for his paper. Mayb he got a B+ or A- bah? Should have chiong for it lah!!! (if only I knew there was best trainee and I thought there was only overall best) Zzz… And you know what, they didn’t mark all the papers at all! They marked those papers who are eligible for Best Trainee. They would subsequently mark and tabulate the rest of others marks only later. Logically, it’s hard to mark structure questions and tabulate marks within less than 24 hrs right.

It’s ok, over is over. SIP some more only pass/fail. Zzz… Should consider part of gPA lohz… Anyway, after CPTC yesterday, we met up for dinner at Muthu’s Curry with Henry. Though not all turn up, half of the class came. It was still a big enough group after all. It was easy too, all of us were guys, except for 1 lady, S’s girlfriend who both came later. We treated Henry dinner and in amidst of settling the bills, he was really going to treat us this time with his credit card! It cost like $280+++…! In the end, we didn’t lah, it was meant to show gratitude and appreciation towards him.

After that, some left and some carried on to Boat Quay with some drinking session at Brewerkz with Henry's treat this time with 2 towers of beer; 4 litres each. It was the first time, I drank 2 full mug of Beer! 1 at Muthu’s curry, the next at Brewerkz. I don’t really like the idea of Beer… it makes me feel bloated with gases… Bah… Anyway, I still drank. We all crapped a lot the whole night. It was fun. Dearest came to join (initial intention), but cause she left house late and couldn’t get her directions right, she came and help us took photos and drove me and ‘lobang’ Yang Ping, Wang Liang and Kenneth home instead. Poor her; but thanks Honey! Kenneth was damn drunk and talked damn lots… He kept pestering Henry to ride him home. He wanted to ride on Henry’s bike but I guess Henry didn’t want to be responsible for his safety. He was “tarred” (drank 1 shot) by our pressure and Henry’s challenge..! 1st mug slow, and subsequently 3 cups were fast ones. The quote of the night was “Bo Tar, Bo Lam Pa”. Haha. This was so call my first time hanging out with such a large group of guys, and crapping. Cool.

Here are some photos:

Heh~ Cheers...

Yeah!

Anyway, the Institute of Materials Research & Engineering is at NUS. Dr. Jiang Li mentioned that it used to be a joined co-operation with NUS. There’s allowance anyway; perhaps $440 like that. Working hours are office hours, and Friday is half an hour earlier release. Tea break meals will be provided like coffee/ tea with biscuits and etc. It’s available at the pantry, so can OTOT just consume! Cool huh? She also said that 50% are China people as Singaporeans don’t really like research. Zzz. I would also need to attend a 2 and a half day of Environmental Health & Safety (EHS) training before start of SIP. There’s shuttle bus from Clementi MRT station too. However, I hope that we could take NUS shuttle bus which I often see it passing by Safara whenever I go school last time. Hopefully can save as much transport cost as possible sia! Jeremy and the other guy would be shag man. They’ll be doing their MP alone with different professors. For me, I would be working with Nicolas Pang. Hopefully, we can work well and get an A or even Z for it.

Anyway, I think my white hair will be coming out with it SIP starts. My project looks damn chim to understand. It’s so PIA and Organic Chemistry!

Here’s a brief idea from Dr. Xu in his email to Jiang Li:

The students will focus on the development of polyhedral oligomeric silsesquioxane (POSS) and polyethylene glycol (PEG) based materials. POSS has a molecule-sized silica-like cage structure (1-2 nm, depending on the length of the substituents) and can be functionalized with a variety of organic groups. PEG is completely water soluble and is extensively studies with many applications such as drug delivery, batteries and biotechnology. These 2 types of monomers (hydrophobic and hydrophilic) will be incorporated into polymers by probably ATRP method and the properties of polymers will be investigated.

I’m better in Engineering leh. Zzz… Whatever it is, I would be working hard for my MP! Moreover, this is my SIP. So basically, my 5 days = SIP = MP. No labor work and there are many advance technology being used there (this is what I heard from Dr. JiangLi). I’m seriously elated about it. Hopefully, things will turn out well as I foresee. Great thanks to Dr. Jiang Li for giving us this opportunity. I’m seriously lucky this time after missing the opportunity to go Australia due to my driving lessons booked.

God bless me.

To be or not to be. To feel happy/sad?

6 weeks. “shucks” let me quote from my previous post. Somehow, I feel attached to the people, the fun, the plant (after knowing so much then got to leave) and the routine. Tomorrow would marked “The End” of CPTC training. How should I put it? Lectures is always chatting away, eating, and playing worms on R’s mobile phone. For practical, my intention was to find ways to slack as much as possible. Somehow, that intention of mine wasn’t fulfilled totally. Somehow, somewhat there was this interest to learn after some reflection.

I would say that CPTC had bond the cohort definitely. From acquaintance to friends, we start to know one another better each day. From assumption made, I’ve learnt not to do so. I guess everyone knows about KS scolding the cohort due to some playful acts of others. People start assuming. Hypocritical; 1 shot down labeled. Recently read G’s blog and got to understand the situation. Someone blurt out casually to one of the trainer and hence, there he got his retribution. It was meant to be a joke. Perhaps they feel that the boundary was crossed.

I ain’t saying that I believe what G said in her blog. Let me clarify, there could be this possibility. I observed this time. G during shift work said “bloody hell” jokingly, yet nothing happen. Not once but several times. Our group joke about all sorts of things, we had fun and on the way we learn too. Perhaps, after all it was a misunderstanding. I felt guilty for having suspicion towards H.T character. After all, all trainers are cool. Each of them just had a different way of starting out with students. Some may look stern, but yet friendly. It was only shift work which had let me know them better. “I don’t need anyone to believe”, like what G said. Rather, we shouldn’t have fired the arrow so immediately. We had allowed anger to get over our head.

For happy part of my life, would be that I would probably be attached to NUS, Institute of Material Science & Engineering for my SIP & MP. There’s pay which I heard from KJ (he asked Dr. JL when he actually took the wrong form for his SIP), and perhaps some R&D with china professor. Another happy thing would be that I heard from H.T that me and 3 other guys are highest for practical? Sort of? Then, the final examination would decide which of us will get the Best Trainee Cert. & Testimonial. I hope what he said was the truth and not bluff me sia. LOL. Even if he was lying, I’m still happy about it lah? He sounded serious though and mentioned it in front of a few of my group mates. I guess my chances would be slim ah… If I knew it, I would have study hard for my Mid-Year paper! This EOY most of it was from practical and hence I was quite safe. Still, I lost on theory which I didn’t study! So chances are slim lorz… but still *pray pray* xD.

It’s honorable to get it loh. I remember how I receive my Best Cadet Cert. & plaque in NCC last time. And in Senior Specialist Course, I was just 2nd placing in platoon to get my Best Cadet..! That bird bird CLT was biased as he is TK’s CLT..! I ain’t lying man, this is what I knew from a Mdm CLT (now my friend). When you don’t give people a chance to perform, never call yourself a leader.

Every ending has a new beginning. I just hope what's awaiting ahead of me would lead me to the life I want it to be.

Here's a great song with great lyrics to share. I think it seriously expressed my feelings totally. Perhaps 90% of it. It's quite a old song though. I'm slow, I know. Here it is...

Artist: Blue October
Album: Foiled
Title: Into The Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore
Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space


I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
into the ocean...end it all

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

Kuku Bird Day

Today is my birthday. I call it “kuku bird day” for the first time. I think this is the saddest birthday I ever had. It’s all spent at CPTC, isn’t it kuku? Anyway, thanks to my classmates, friends for the little surprise they gave for me. Though things were rush, but it couldn’t be help. So… how was it spent? After CPTC training, Dearest came to pick me up. I suppose she would be eating late dinner with me, but she has eaten. Again, we went to Bedok 18 and eat my fishball meepok. It’s 1st time spending my day at coffee shop though. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter; it’s always the person you spend with. Anyway, tomorrow would also be my day! It’s my Chinese birthday. In Chinese, I’m 20 years old. Woot. Within a day, I’m 19… and 20 the next. Haha…

Thanks for the wishes. I appreciate that. I was shock that other course mates also wished me. Thanks thanks. I think I’m darn DAO lah? I guess always people have been waiting for me to say perhaps hi/signal to greet, but I always don’t. Rather, I smile. If they’ve seen it, I’ve greeted. To me is smile; to them, I don’t know if they think that is so? I just feel so PS later when perhaps or what if that person acted like doesn’t know you? But but… I think I’ve made several people PS several times too.

19 years of my life… Hmmm… How great? I treasure the time spend with anyone I suppose; especially my love ones? Every obstacle that comes by doesn’t pull me down… Even if so… I wouldn’t allow the Earth to continue spinning w/o me moving. Once fall, rub yourself for a moment and move on further! “Life isn’t hard… Sometimes it’s just ain’t so fair…” quoted from KT. I’ve been keeping all these thoughts on mind… Life would be better ahead…

Aiks… What are friends and what are brothers? Some brothers might no longer be my brothers over time… Some friends have perhaps forgotten me… These are only friends I’ve left… So… they would just be passer-bys in life? I hope not. I do treasure and that don’t treat me for granted.

Dearest is still the one, always by my side… 4 years… I do cherish you all right? All the obstacles that we’ve came by, they ain’t easy. Lots of love…

So much random/sad/lame thoughts on the birth of my day…