chill max-ed: wonderful saturday!

watched my sister's keeper with G.

& she teared.

not as touching as i expected, or maybe i'm not connecting enough?

or maybe i've gotten rid of emotions?

i was on the verge which gives me the sian feeling.

acid bar was good. a total of 3 different band played through the night.

my dedication that was made, was played as well. like FINALLY. =]

previously when i go to bars, my dedications were never successfully made.

perhaps this time i didn't chose an old school song.

this was the first time i could sit in a bar for so long.

they've got nice wedges!

G & I just sat there, appreciating musics/wedges/beers, talk cock.

& we ended up a little drunk.

nice place to really chill.



i should seriously STOP drinking & spurging tentatively at least for the next 2 weeks. =.=

Alex needs to be a little more discipline.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i'm in an endangering case.

i've a total of 6 white hair. plucked 3.

i've been pucking white hair weekly. everyday i'll spot at least 2.

it's growing more than i expected compared to when i was studying my 'O' levels and during my poly days.

i think soon enough, my hair will all turn white.

haiss.

Nice Quotes.

Someone asked me, "Why do you keep loving someone who doesn't love you back? There are tons of fish in the water." I simply replied, "Just because it's also water, would you drink from the sea?"

"No matter how crazy and funny the scenes around you are, they are useless without the person you want to laugh with.."



Alright, i'm out!

haha.

everyone tells me, "i believe you'll find a better one".

yes. surely, i will or maybe the future would be her again?

but no doubt she was or has always been great too.

just because you truly love, it doesn't mean you have to forget or hate.

remember the little and many things she has done for you, and the many things you have done all together as well.

you chose only the good things.

simple. =]

complete.

cold soup. =.=

browsed through HK cafe, then moved on to coffee club.

ended up at manhattan.

took my time to enjoy the food. =]

i guess this weekend is packed with dates & programmes.

looks good.

at the same time i couldn't seem to stop myself from spurging on the various things and i just kept cabbing like free. arghhz.

money will be rollin' in, no failures. =]

aahhh. good week.

next week gotta be busy, but should be fun.

nice bag. love it.

waiting for my new collection of perfumes from mum!

having GA's attitude, ferragamo & ck's euphoria.

my daviddoff's hot water, givenchy pi neo and ck's gold summer are incoming.

simply obsessed with perfumes now.

next would be my ray ban sunglasses for my trips? AX's jocky cap?

upcoming holidays are all well planned.

some anticipation ahead..! =]

82: 心跳

你的眼神充满美丽带走我的心跳

你的温柔如此靠近带走我的心跳

好想要回到我们的原点..

blue blue, gloomy gloomy. not so good day, but evening onwards it gets better.

probably it's the weather.

& i guess for most people.

at least for the next 1 week if i am home, i'll be enjoying some form of peace.

sweet.

sian.

i don't wanna work lah. =.=

perhaps most of the time, what we portray is what we think we feel. but we don't really feel that way, do we?

but i know, as for my blog. it's about how i feel and not what i think i feel. perhaps verbally, people would be taking in "what i think" rationally, and may not be what i feel.

your thoughts & emotions just goes the opposite.

afterall, your reactions will display your subconscious thoughts unknowingly.

night night night everybody.

79: 记得

tired. i had been drained out totally these few days, both physically & mentally.

i did my best to clinch my gold, despite the fact that i hadn't train for past 6 months, i was still able to run below 10. it was mind over body. though i was only seconds away from my goal, with some conditioning, i should be able to get it the next round. however, results are considered good.

work related issues are more or less resolved professionally. i'm glad. a planner will always seem unfair, people start getting skeptical with assumptions. but after tabulations, i guess i had done my job with much conscience.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

so just then, as i was searching for my stuff, i saw these 2 pieces of paper which i kept long ago. it was titled "T D-C".

time has been long, expectations grew further when the basics were satisfied, then everything became disappointments.

how do we relate dependency with loneliness? we're all independent people, yet we still paired up and depend on the support given by each another. we both had gave ourselves in different ways. as it was true, we've brought out the best in each other.

my ego has gone with time, with you; from the day i kneel down and told you how much you meant to me.

perhaps loving you wasn't sufficient.

don't ask yourself why we had chosen each other. because there isn't any reason when love happens. it has been a long vacation for us this time, a test of time for the love we shared.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I know the journey we've walked wasn't easy. The tears we shared, the times we have. It's irreplaceable.

谁还记得爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中 看见了不同的天空
走的太远 终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我 要有两个相反的梦

谁还记得 是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话 是我们以后的伤口
过了太久 没人记得当初那些温柔



我依然记得
我和你手牵手 说要一起走到最后..

great.

i can't sleep. and i didn't slept despite the tiredness inside me.

i hate this feeling.

77.

road seems to be rocky these days. series of problems one after another, and i don't know how i should put it.

i'm tired & sick of everything.

& i feel like breaking down right now.

no one. there's no one.

i hate my emotions. i hate it.

damn it.

troubled day.

73.

finally send my laptop for servicing. hope it comes back well. met J for lunch and we went to this Jap Restaurant which opens only in the noon. How great? & it feels good to chill in central in the hot afternoon, with drinks & desserts. with my partner, our goal is to open a place, just for us to chill & it doesn't matter if it makes money.

likewise, we work on expectations before hitting goals.

this idea struck me. so another project gonna come next, and it requires detailed planning. I tried the other time but failed. however, this time a new platform strikes me and let's hope that leveraging on this platform works.

as i recall, i was so busy with asian youth games/national day/army half marathon. i didn't have the time to settle things down & have a break, though many plans may have been briefed. i didn't have the chance to talk, to kick of plans and get into actions with you. we didn't communicate. perhaps, that's where you felt everything was going nowhere. but yet you didn't gave me the chance to.

have i been that bad?

i didn't regret taking this path with you, and all that i wanted was to walk through this journey of life with you.

perhaps, you no longer love.

perhaps the previous vacations wasn't long enough to make me realize. yet surely, i did my best back then.

now i know what could have been better.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

也许你已经放弃我 也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过 请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂 能不能原谅我
请不要把分手 当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口

请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果 我也能够承受
我知道你的痛 是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容 沉默是因为包容
如果要走 请你记得我

如果难过 请你忘了以前的我..

"any pain that you feel can never be compared to the regret that comes from walking away from love" - Matthew McConaughey (Conner Mead), from the Ghost of Girlfriend's Past.

I'm not afraid if I've to go through hell, so be it. I've never gotten tired and I'll never do, long before my soul tells me this.

I've never stop fighting.

72.

went blading today at Changi. blading seems to be less taxing to me now although the start was kinda wobbly. it was really relaxing thereafter compared to the last time.

SH taught the 2 newbies the kick start for blading, and so do I gave a little tips. had a fall as well, which supposedly i should have set a record of 0 falls. was holding on to R's hand, guiding her for some distances. when i do not know what happened that she got really unstable? perhaps ZX & GF should have a better look at that behind. they had a good laugh on how "romantic" the fall was. x.x

so while i was "oh! she's going to fall!" then while i was trying to grab hold of the other hand of hers, her hands just went over my shirt? so in a mess, we fall and i became the cushion. inevitably her head got knocked into mine as well.

minor injuries sustained. then, i felt this sense of care which probably in my memories, i was laughed. this sense of hurt probably surges at this moment as i recall.

i remember as you may have fall, i gave that care & concern about your well being. yet, i was treated otherwise. yet, i miss holding your hands, blading with this sense of fulfilling fun & laughter from the heart.

..也许你品没有想像中的那么爱我..

all the memories seems so vivid.

"The right person for us is recognized by our souls, not by our mind." - Mars & Venus Starting Over, Soulmates are not perfect.

you were recognized.

there after i went guiding ZD, he was having a difficult time and even ended being pissed with his brother. =.=.. so i went over to guide him, tried to hold him as well but he was really unstable. but at the end, he progressed well with my guidance. and i felt this sense of satisfaction from teaching again. =)

perhaps i've been through how it feels as a beginner and so i know how to relate the feelings & thoughts into guiding people. like ZD was trying really hard and at his best from what i see, yet without realizing or to find out where his problem lies. he was expecting too much from himself, and so he just kept trying. but all he needs to do was to REMEMBER the basics & prepare himself for falls. subsequently, he needs to know the expectations he could reach so as to lower his stress levels and proceed with things step by step.

i recall how i learnt to swim/blade and etc. you need time to be comfortable with yourself. fiddle with the blade with your legs with small movements like how you're trying to make friends with, then you'll gradually realize the technique to it over time.


Expectations VS Dreams.

setting high expectations is a wrong method of living. you should have high standards of goals/aims/objectives/dreams. yet, each expectations of yours must be within your reach to hit your goal. expectations are "what's the next step/ possible route which i could take to reach my goals?" expectations consist of different levels. just like games.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

回忆的画面依旧清晰可见
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你

虽然被放弃虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你..

as we walk, i held your hands and say, "remember love". i kissed your hands & you kissed mine.



i hate my mind for having this ability to contain so much & it couldn't stop..

69.

after coming back, it seems kinda a little hectic today. wanted to have an off before i go off again, but i was told to conduct medical training lessons. it's my job while i actually tried to post phoned due to hectic schedules, but have to give some face since people are really nice.

so i gave medical training on impromptu basis for all ranks higher than me. they are the Special Ops Force, ranked from minimal 2nd SGT to Captains. =.= Yet, got to act like some instructor, they sat on the floor, listening to me. LOW confidence! it has been so long since i do some teaching roles. subconsciously, the ranking kinda pressed me a little. however, i managed to do it in a guiding way, with some prompting to make them think a little. afterall, we've got to be a practical.

satisfied with my job! =)

went to A&E today again, this time i saw B. she recognizes me as well. had a short chat. health is really important and nothing else. then we could really appreciate the little things in life. see those people in agony makes me feel.. "i don't wanna be in their shoes!" i guess it's inevitable, but definitely we can try to stay healthy, consistently update ourselves on our medical status before things get worse!

at least, at the end of the day we tried, and if it happens, then we carry on fighting whatever we have to, to live.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

一起长大的约定
那样清晰
打过勾的我相信
说好要一起旅行
是你如今
唯一坚持的任性

一起长大的约定
那样真心
与你聊不完的曾经
而我已经分不清
你是友情
还是错过的爱情

心里仿佛已没了难过
但依然存在着思念
思念的不是你我的 习惯
而是你的微笑 你的可爱..

you shot me.




it seems like it was the 1st time, my heart missed a beat.

then i realise.

it wasn't a dream, it was real.

& i can't seem to get tired thinking.

you knocked me down

you revived me.

55.

send a trainee to CGH A&E the day before. A&E is still as busy as usual. was hoping to meet up with people i knew. i loitered around in the A&E with my uniform for a while, then i left with driver to have some nasi lemak from QJ.


interestingly so as i was walking out, there was this lady sitting outside with her mask on, probably about 18~20. she was practically staring at me as i was walking out, which i took 2 glimpses as i was busy checking out my phone to call back to see if my men wish to eat anything.

alright, no doubt she was quite good looking from the overall and her glittering eyes (naturally i took the 2nd glimpse after the 1st) despite surgical mask on her lower part of her face. it was obvious as my driver did noticed as well, (as we turned our direction, she turned) and my driver prompted me to ask for number which i didn't hear, till things were brought up later. (busy on phone remember?) i think guys in uniform tend to get hold of people's attention. of course, i'm not judging myself here. take it as i sincerely said alright, don't even think.

so i went back to try my luck (see my mentor), and i manage to see I. driver & i smoke back into A&E and i went to look for I. gladly, she recognizes me and we got a short catching up. i guess she was shock to see me as well. though, i knew her for only 3 days during my attachment, but it seems like we knew each other for sometime. she was a great mentor indeed.

surprise hear a news yesterday. perhaps frequency just ain't right for people at times.

somehow people drift, and situations included many disappointments. after separated, we all seem happier, and moved on. but are we? so many stories, yet they all have a different outcome.

let's trust and that everything wasn't an excuse.

i guess, people are funny. hence, we've a recent movie on "funny people". it sounded like a comedy, but in fact it tells us how funny or weird people are when facing near death, r/s or towards decisions they make in life.

when there were so many promises made before, why did it fail? failed to remember? seems like everyone is on the queue of this curse.

dinning out seems easy nowadays.

simple, yet a lack of joy.

confused.

i guess i've been thinking a lot these days. it was unlike the past, where i only have thoughts/plans about the future. i became more sensitive towards certain issues for the present, and it triggers thoughts every now and then.

i'm glad that i did manage to communicate over the phone. i guess it has been for a long time and my voice wasn't recognizable.

been to a few places these days, and every place brings back some images. it kind of come to me very naturally.

i wonder about the worthiness of r/s which i had previously doubted. or rather i question about myself now, is there any form of possibility/ is it really no longer feasible?

as mentioned, i can't afford to take on any r/s even if things were to be back. probably i am afraid; i'm afraid of going through the cycles of emotional tour.

people tell me, just go ahead & date. you've got what you have. you tried Ferrari before, why not try a Lamborghini? but the thing is...

i've thought about it way before hand, and i already knew what i wanted..; someone who's really down to earth & whom i can be really be comfortable with, be myself and don't need any masks, appreciates the everything we share, going through the good days & bad days, and lastly to work together for our common dreams.

sometimes, all you could remember are the good memories that were given. someone asked me, "don't you hate ..?" i did, but i don't now. i understood the character, and i forgive. till now, there isn't any form of bad memories that comes to me, but only the good ones. & i could remember how simple things were & how simple we want things to be.

seems like the more you love, the more you may turn out to hate. yet, there isn't any reason why.

i enjoyed the company of my friends these weeks. they had been great. but somehow there's this emptiness, somewhat un-fulfilling. it feels like the happiness or whatever you may enjoyed isn't shared with someone whom you knew close to your heart.

love may sometimes seem to be a burden and so, being able to shrug it off may seem to be really happier. yet, it could be something which makes your everyday more fulfilling. everyone needs the support, the love, the care/concern, & the very little things in which the one you love could do for you and no one else.

love is blind and so were the many sweet happenings which seem to come along like free goodies bags along the way. i couldn't imagine how situations had came till this date. have we allowed situtations to control us? or are we denying and running away more than before?

& so i ask myself again, how is it no longer possible where you think back about those hurdles we went through? had we been just compromising and not been embracing differences? i'm not looking at the timeline, but i'm picking up those or many special times we shared.

this is probably another higher & more difficult hurdle.

i can imagine how love will be like if things were ever to be back, those passion & attention..

but there isn't anything for me to hope for as i no longer seem to understand or tentatively now. i want love to come back to what it use to be, with burning romance.


attended a wedding ceremony at fullerton ytd. it was simple, yet sweet. & it got me recalled those feelings.

Ms. R is looking better than before as compared to the 1st time i see her. perhaps it's true about this phrase; a women who's in love looks prettier compared to when she isn't. things are getting a lil' too sweet for my friends. zzZ. i'm happy for them thou.


& as long as you're happier, i'm contented.


goodbye.

49

heard this songs over 883 today. then i realize, i've never taken note of the lyrics..

改编词:小寒 曲:伍家辉

一人一半感情不散
一人一素故感情才会久
时光累计安静的泪滴
一心去追爱那么可贵

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半(一人一半)感情不散(感情不散)
已经找到爱为何要离开

时光累计(时光累计)安静的泪滴(安静的泪滴)
一心去追爱那么可贵(爱那么可贵)

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半感情不散
已经找到爱为何要离开
已经找到爱为何先离开

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

how do you differentiate people who appreciate the superficiality & simplicity?

when we can't differentiate, it's probably disappointments we'll always face.

i guess most locals are lacking this character asset. probably only
childhood friends whom we knew back then till now, allows us to differentiate the fact.


probably people are generally categorized as such:

when you have nothing, you have the friends you always have. however, when you have something (power/status/wealth), you're probably attracting people who leverages on you.

this brings me back to what i learned from Mr. R, having wealth is not enough. this doesn't provide opportunities for cash flow. you need to be powerful & established, that's where you automatically create the opportunities for growth of wealth.

people who are successful look for people who has a character/ways of doing, and to provide them with the opportunities or to feel safe to cooperate with for businesses. this in turns creates the trust.

who we are now are due to reality (environment), which has definitely a great impact on our attitudes which changes us overtime. however, the very root of our character hasn't, and we tend to fall back to who we are.

we create environment/reality/situations. however, we don't let them control us. we've got to be in control of what we create for what we wanted at the very first place.

months back, i doubt my character. i thought whatever i did was "whiny" & only complains which isn't a manly thing. should a man just "suck it up" and do/carry on whatever/ face with in life? is that what a man does?

sadly, i don't. as i always believe environment/reality/situations are in my hands. i can control, i can change. why don't even try?

currently, i'm happy with my work. i love my boss, my colleagues. at least i feel that i'm in control of my life (people don't control me except once in a while, randomly like today i was kinda reprimanded for having my hair too long? x.x). & as a team, we dare to face/fight the other more important issues.

& we all fight for what's right despite hassles which everyone prefers to dodge away.

consolidated thoughts.

for the past one month, i've learnt a lot from people's experiences and from books. & thanks to MWO Ho, i found the part of me that was lost.

& i just read a new book, "mars & venus starting over" - it's a whole lot of emotion explorations.

some will say:

"u surprise me overtime i see you, you really putting in effort for r/s."

"bingo! you're right about how women are thinking now."

"a guy would never bother to even understand."

"understand about yourself before women." - but i'm learning both.

"when you moved on to marriage, it's about 2 best friends staying together"

some older generations would say "impressive for a young guy to love someone so long."

i guess i'm starting to be a counselor for couples.

but here's the fact, i've never done what's right for the r/s. as selfish as a mars will always be, we'll never understand venus unless we bother to. she has done her very part for me, but i didn't cherish.

things always takes 2 hands to clap at the right frequency.

as for now, let's back track things a little and consolidate my thoughts...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

types of man

there are 2 types of man. mainly, in the progress of building success & a successful man.

Process of building success (Level 1): this man looks for a partner who is willing to go through the ups and downs of his life, being there to support him till the day he become successful.

Successful man (Level 2): Once he has gotten his success or established a certain level of success (w/o a partner all the while), he knows what he wants, and what type of partner he is looking out for.

Man will after all go through these 2 levels.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

r/s WANTS & NEEDS

a year ago when i was working in aviation company, i was exposed to what i WANTED. i did question myself if i was staying on for passion/responsibility/commitment. however, what you WANT & NEED is different. & i manage to answer this myself.

What you WANT lies in your thoughts, and what you NEED lies in your heart. often than not, we do not get what we need in our heart overtime. then, the mind takes over the heart. after sometime, what attracts you are often what you WANT and not getting the needs from the r/s.

however, what you WANT can grow overtime from expectations. has life been too comfortable that expectations evolved and became different/increased?

back to the point, what spark off the attraction is often what you're lacking in your previous/current r/s. if this emotional dilemma isn't resolved, you're only getting into a "r/s danger". after all it's temporary relief & checking in the new checklist you created, when familiarization and routine sets in, it'll fail.

"in the beginning, we didn't really know each other. now you have seen the best of me and the worst of me, and you still adore me. that is real love."

love is not a fantasy of perfection in which our every need is met, but sharing life together, truly loving relationships make up fabric of fulfilling life. the relentless demands in our lives have to go more, go faster, and do better can distract us from this simple truth.

that was a part of remembering love.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

subconscious vs deception

& recently, i've this new insights to subconscious thoughts. true enough, subconscious thoughts are unknown. if you're able to explain "subconsciously you've been feeling.. subconsciously i think..", then you're just forming a deception over your perception.

subconscious thoughts are unknown. you can't say it yourself. however, it can trigger your action.

i.e. subconsciously you like someone, yet you're in a r/s. this actually forbidden you to explore into the someone you like. however, it may trigger you to break up/losing passion for the r/s overtime or tentatively. this subconsciousness will surfaced the moment after the break up (i.e. starting/trying to interact with the person), it becomes a conscious fact.

however the above scenario can be interlink with the aforementioned about not getting what you NEED and looking for what you WANT.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

no one is perfect. i'm may not be the best, but i'm doing my best.

i've seen and look into the details i missed, and did not bother to understand.

i went through the 4 stages of emotional tour. mainly; fear, sorrow, sadness and anger. & i explored into feeling betrayed, hurt, blame, mistrust n etc. each time, i let the pain grow, each time i allow waves to hit me over and over.

i've got back that sense of peace. & i'm letting go with love & forgiveness..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as much as i love you & as much as i want to get back, i wouldn't want it now.


feel free to love/date anyone, find what you need.


it's not about "to-get-her", but to be together.



p.s. i love you.

appreciated.

bumped into one of my ex-colleague yesterday. we had a short chat.

he thanked me for doing the right thing, to an extent of probably tarnishing my reputation and relationship with people.

at least he appreciates and thanked me. & unknowingly, i received some good comments from others which i didn't expect.

he told me that i should have stay on and make changes with Boss. right now everything changed, and that people are doing what's right. still, there's one thing yet to change within themselves. as i believe, people will all grow to be a better man.

there're always people who likes you and dislikes you, but i guess it's all passing phase.

afterall, when we work we meant to solve problems.

did i regret the change to a "less welfare" place? i don't. at least for now, i made good colleagues/ friends. in life, you often gain some loose some. but ultimately, you got to know what you want.

i learn this phrase as well, "do you get things right or do what's right?" i guess i belong to the latter.

for things i clearly want, my decisions were never a regret. time will give u an answer. and i found the answer from what i kept 1 year plus back.

it was exactly the same. but this time, it was portrayed differently.

sometimes you may have the opportunity, but you lack the capability to work things out/ to thrive/ to grab.

but when you start to realize your capability, all you need is opportunity.



i know what you're working for. =)

作词:方文山 作曲:周杰伦

我不配

这街上太拥挤
太多人有秘密
玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪
在还原那场雨
这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里

这日子不再绿
又斑驳了几句
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
电影院的座椅
隔遥远的距离
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你
你却微笑的离我而去

这感觉已经不对
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略你不过要人陪

这感觉已经不对
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配