great.

i can't sleep. and i didn't slept despite the tiredness inside me.

i hate this feeling.

77.

road seems to be rocky these days. series of problems one after another, and i don't know how i should put it.

i'm tired & sick of everything.

& i feel like breaking down right now.

no one. there's no one.

i hate my emotions. i hate it.

damn it.

troubled day.

73.

finally send my laptop for servicing. hope it comes back well. met J for lunch and we went to this Jap Restaurant which opens only in the noon. How great? & it feels good to chill in central in the hot afternoon, with drinks & desserts. with my partner, our goal is to open a place, just for us to chill & it doesn't matter if it makes money.

likewise, we work on expectations before hitting goals.

this idea struck me. so another project gonna come next, and it requires detailed planning. I tried the other time but failed. however, this time a new platform strikes me and let's hope that leveraging on this platform works.

as i recall, i was so busy with asian youth games/national day/army half marathon. i didn't have the time to settle things down & have a break, though many plans may have been briefed. i didn't have the chance to talk, to kick of plans and get into actions with you. we didn't communicate. perhaps, that's where you felt everything was going nowhere. but yet you didn't gave me the chance to.

have i been that bad?

i didn't regret taking this path with you, and all that i wanted was to walk through this journey of life with you.

perhaps, you no longer love.

perhaps the previous vacations wasn't long enough to make me realize. yet surely, i did my best back then.

now i know what could have been better.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

也许你已经放弃我 也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过 请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂 能不能原谅我
请不要把分手 当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口

请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果 我也能够承受
我知道你的痛 是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容 沉默是因为包容
如果要走 请你记得我

如果难过 请你忘了以前的我..

"any pain that you feel can never be compared to the regret that comes from walking away from love" - Matthew McConaughey (Conner Mead), from the Ghost of Girlfriend's Past.

I'm not afraid if I've to go through hell, so be it. I've never gotten tired and I'll never do, long before my soul tells me this.

I've never stop fighting.

72.

went blading today at Changi. blading seems to be less taxing to me now although the start was kinda wobbly. it was really relaxing thereafter compared to the last time.

SH taught the 2 newbies the kick start for blading, and so do I gave a little tips. had a fall as well, which supposedly i should have set a record of 0 falls. was holding on to R's hand, guiding her for some distances. when i do not know what happened that she got really unstable? perhaps ZX & GF should have a better look at that behind. they had a good laugh on how "romantic" the fall was. x.x

so while i was "oh! she's going to fall!" then while i was trying to grab hold of the other hand of hers, her hands just went over my shirt? so in a mess, we fall and i became the cushion. inevitably her head got knocked into mine as well.

minor injuries sustained. then, i felt this sense of care which probably in my memories, i was laughed. this sense of hurt probably surges at this moment as i recall.

i remember as you may have fall, i gave that care & concern about your well being. yet, i was treated otherwise. yet, i miss holding your hands, blading with this sense of fulfilling fun & laughter from the heart.

..也许你品没有想像中的那么爱我..

all the memories seems so vivid.

"The right person for us is recognized by our souls, not by our mind." - Mars & Venus Starting Over, Soulmates are not perfect.

you were recognized.

there after i went guiding ZD, he was having a difficult time and even ended being pissed with his brother. =.=.. so i went over to guide him, tried to hold him as well but he was really unstable. but at the end, he progressed well with my guidance. and i felt this sense of satisfaction from teaching again. =)

perhaps i've been through how it feels as a beginner and so i know how to relate the feelings & thoughts into guiding people. like ZD was trying really hard and at his best from what i see, yet without realizing or to find out where his problem lies. he was expecting too much from himself, and so he just kept trying. but all he needs to do was to REMEMBER the basics & prepare himself for falls. subsequently, he needs to know the expectations he could reach so as to lower his stress levels and proceed with things step by step.

i recall how i learnt to swim/blade and etc. you need time to be comfortable with yourself. fiddle with the blade with your legs with small movements like how you're trying to make friends with, then you'll gradually realize the technique to it over time.


Expectations VS Dreams.

setting high expectations is a wrong method of living. you should have high standards of goals/aims/objectives/dreams. yet, each expectations of yours must be within your reach to hit your goal. expectations are "what's the next step/ possible route which i could take to reach my goals?" expectations consist of different levels. just like games.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

回忆的画面依旧清晰可见
就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你

虽然被放弃虽然我愿意
就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你..

as we walk, i held your hands and say, "remember love". i kissed your hands & you kissed mine.



i hate my mind for having this ability to contain so much & it couldn't stop..

69.

after coming back, it seems kinda a little hectic today. wanted to have an off before i go off again, but i was told to conduct medical training lessons. it's my job while i actually tried to post phoned due to hectic schedules, but have to give some face since people are really nice.

so i gave medical training on impromptu basis for all ranks higher than me. they are the Special Ops Force, ranked from minimal 2nd SGT to Captains. =.= Yet, got to act like some instructor, they sat on the floor, listening to me. LOW confidence! it has been so long since i do some teaching roles. subconsciously, the ranking kinda pressed me a little. however, i managed to do it in a guiding way, with some prompting to make them think a little. afterall, we've got to be a practical.

satisfied with my job! =)

went to A&E today again, this time i saw B. she recognizes me as well. had a short chat. health is really important and nothing else. then we could really appreciate the little things in life. see those people in agony makes me feel.. "i don't wanna be in their shoes!" i guess it's inevitable, but definitely we can try to stay healthy, consistently update ourselves on our medical status before things get worse!

at least, at the end of the day we tried, and if it happens, then we carry on fighting whatever we have to, to live.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

一起长大的约定
那样清晰
打过勾的我相信
说好要一起旅行
是你如今
唯一坚持的任性

一起长大的约定
那样真心
与你聊不完的曾经
而我已经分不清
你是友情
还是错过的爱情

心里仿佛已没了难过
但依然存在着思念
思念的不是你我的 习惯
而是你的微笑 你的可爱..

you shot me.




it seems like it was the 1st time, my heart missed a beat.

then i realise.

it wasn't a dream, it was real.

& i can't seem to get tired thinking.

you knocked me down

you revived me.

55.

send a trainee to CGH A&E the day before. A&E is still as busy as usual. was hoping to meet up with people i knew. i loitered around in the A&E with my uniform for a while, then i left with driver to have some nasi lemak from QJ.


interestingly so as i was walking out, there was this lady sitting outside with her mask on, probably about 18~20. she was practically staring at me as i was walking out, which i took 2 glimpses as i was busy checking out my phone to call back to see if my men wish to eat anything.

alright, no doubt she was quite good looking from the overall and her glittering eyes (naturally i took the 2nd glimpse after the 1st) despite surgical mask on her lower part of her face. it was obvious as my driver did noticed as well, (as we turned our direction, she turned) and my driver prompted me to ask for number which i didn't hear, till things were brought up later. (busy on phone remember?) i think guys in uniform tend to get hold of people's attention. of course, i'm not judging myself here. take it as i sincerely said alright, don't even think.

so i went back to try my luck (see my mentor), and i manage to see I. driver & i smoke back into A&E and i went to look for I. gladly, she recognizes me and we got a short catching up. i guess she was shock to see me as well. though, i knew her for only 3 days during my attachment, but it seems like we knew each other for sometime. she was a great mentor indeed.

surprise hear a news yesterday. perhaps frequency just ain't right for people at times.

somehow people drift, and situations included many disappointments. after separated, we all seem happier, and moved on. but are we? so many stories, yet they all have a different outcome.

let's trust and that everything wasn't an excuse.

i guess, people are funny. hence, we've a recent movie on "funny people". it sounded like a comedy, but in fact it tells us how funny or weird people are when facing near death, r/s or towards decisions they make in life.

when there were so many promises made before, why did it fail? failed to remember? seems like everyone is on the queue of this curse.

dinning out seems easy nowadays.

simple, yet a lack of joy.

confused.

i guess i've been thinking a lot these days. it was unlike the past, where i only have thoughts/plans about the future. i became more sensitive towards certain issues for the present, and it triggers thoughts every now and then.

i'm glad that i did manage to communicate over the phone. i guess it has been for a long time and my voice wasn't recognizable.

been to a few places these days, and every place brings back some images. it kind of come to me very naturally.

i wonder about the worthiness of r/s which i had previously doubted. or rather i question about myself now, is there any form of possibility/ is it really no longer feasible?

as mentioned, i can't afford to take on any r/s even if things were to be back. probably i am afraid; i'm afraid of going through the cycles of emotional tour.

people tell me, just go ahead & date. you've got what you have. you tried Ferrari before, why not try a Lamborghini? but the thing is...

i've thought about it way before hand, and i already knew what i wanted..; someone who's really down to earth & whom i can be really be comfortable with, be myself and don't need any masks, appreciates the everything we share, going through the good days & bad days, and lastly to work together for our common dreams.

sometimes, all you could remember are the good memories that were given. someone asked me, "don't you hate ..?" i did, but i don't now. i understood the character, and i forgive. till now, there isn't any form of bad memories that comes to me, but only the good ones. & i could remember how simple things were & how simple we want things to be.

seems like the more you love, the more you may turn out to hate. yet, there isn't any reason why.

i enjoyed the company of my friends these weeks. they had been great. but somehow there's this emptiness, somewhat un-fulfilling. it feels like the happiness or whatever you may enjoyed isn't shared with someone whom you knew close to your heart.

love may sometimes seem to be a burden and so, being able to shrug it off may seem to be really happier. yet, it could be something which makes your everyday more fulfilling. everyone needs the support, the love, the care/concern, & the very little things in which the one you love could do for you and no one else.

love is blind and so were the many sweet happenings which seem to come along like free goodies bags along the way. i couldn't imagine how situations had came till this date. have we allowed situtations to control us? or are we denying and running away more than before?

& so i ask myself again, how is it no longer possible where you think back about those hurdles we went through? had we been just compromising and not been embracing differences? i'm not looking at the timeline, but i'm picking up those or many special times we shared.

this is probably another higher & more difficult hurdle.

i can imagine how love will be like if things were ever to be back, those passion & attention..

but there isn't anything for me to hope for as i no longer seem to understand or tentatively now. i want love to come back to what it use to be, with burning romance.


attended a wedding ceremony at fullerton ytd. it was simple, yet sweet. & it got me recalled those feelings.

Ms. R is looking better than before as compared to the 1st time i see her. perhaps it's true about this phrase; a women who's in love looks prettier compared to when she isn't. things are getting a lil' too sweet for my friends. zzZ. i'm happy for them thou.


& as long as you're happier, i'm contented.


goodbye.

49

heard this songs over 883 today. then i realize, i've never taken note of the lyrics..

改编词:小寒 曲:伍家辉

一人一半感情不散
一人一素故感情才会久
时光累计安静的泪滴
一心去追爱那么可贵

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半(一人一半)感情不散(感情不散)
已经找到爱为何要离开

时光累计(时光累计)安静的泪滴(安静的泪滴)
一心去追爱那么可贵(爱那么可贵)

这样的人这样地等
无非是等个回应眼神
为爱翻滚不计伤痕
甘心为你一生都浮沉

这样的人别笑我蠢
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
就算天冷就算残忍
等你想起这没用的人

一人一半感情不散
已经找到爱为何要离开
已经找到爱为何先离开

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

how do you differentiate people who appreciate the superficiality & simplicity?

when we can't differentiate, it's probably disappointments we'll always face.

i guess most locals are lacking this character asset. probably only
childhood friends whom we knew back then till now, allows us to differentiate the fact.


probably people are generally categorized as such:

when you have nothing, you have the friends you always have. however, when you have something (power/status/wealth), you're probably attracting people who leverages on you.

this brings me back to what i learned from Mr. R, having wealth is not enough. this doesn't provide opportunities for cash flow. you need to be powerful & established, that's where you automatically create the opportunities for growth of wealth.

people who are successful look for people who has a character/ways of doing, and to provide them with the opportunities or to feel safe to cooperate with for businesses. this in turns creates the trust.

who we are now are due to reality (environment), which has definitely a great impact on our attitudes which changes us overtime. however, the very root of our character hasn't, and we tend to fall back to who we are.

we create environment/reality/situations. however, we don't let them control us. we've got to be in control of what we create for what we wanted at the very first place.

months back, i doubt my character. i thought whatever i did was "whiny" & only complains which isn't a manly thing. should a man just "suck it up" and do/carry on whatever/ face with in life? is that what a man does?

sadly, i don't. as i always believe environment/reality/situations are in my hands. i can control, i can change. why don't even try?

currently, i'm happy with my work. i love my boss, my colleagues. at least i feel that i'm in control of my life (people don't control me except once in a while, randomly like today i was kinda reprimanded for having my hair too long? x.x). & as a team, we dare to face/fight the other more important issues.

& we all fight for what's right despite hassles which everyone prefers to dodge away.